Friends Forever ?

Had to deliberate for a while whether I wanted to post this message below which was written the night it happened. Then decided that my blog is all about what I feel and being honest about it to myself and others (because I havent been good at it thus far in life). So here it goes

This was written on Tuesday, 26 Apr night
As soon as I got home I was thinking of visiting Sri as she is leaving for Bali tomorrow morning. Also was planning to give her the container for Gitanjali to take with her. At the car park, I saw Sri going off with Ajeet in her car. Felt`…ummmm….dunno what I felt. Jealous? Maybe but why, is she not entitled to have other friends? of course she is, Regret maybe? Maybe coz I am so bad at keeping in touch with friends that I lose them as friends eventually. Them ? as in Sri, me and ajeet …., we used to do things together but I just never tried maintaining the friendship. Always told myself I should call Ajeet as she came down recently and brought gifts for alysha and me. But never got around doing it coz am too caught up with life. Its always like that with me, lose out on things coz just don’t know how to balance things in my life.

What did I expect…maybe for them to ask me for dinner as well. But why should they? Maybe they don’t feel connected to me as I don’t feel with them. Maybe I come across as not interested coz I have my daughter and am busy with life but I would like to wouldn’t I, I think I would. But really would I have not taken my daughter swimming and opted to out for dinner with then, really, would I have? But how would I have gotten back in time for dinner? after all I rely on Suben for transport, but is that a reason or merely an excuse?

She won a case and so has gone out to celebrate. Maybe this is what I meant when I said I had lost that connection with her. Maybe she has too otherwise wouldn’t she not call me let me know about it and to celebrate. But like I said, I believe she would have thought that I would be busy with things or just not interested. Maybe……

Dunno, just so depressed over it, Felt abandoned, unloved. I know its ridiculous but dunno why I felt this way. I now I will feel ok and the feeling will go off tomorrow, maybe thats why I am bloging about it today, maybe wont even post this or will, after all my blog is all about being honest with myself. I am happy for her that she has friends and that she is connected to them coz you need friends around to share things with. Maybe I don’t coz I have Joe, I do after all share everything with him. He is like my soul mate. Makes me feel better about things in my life but sometimes one need girl friends. Well, I think I only have myself to blame. After all, she called me as soon as she left the car park to tell me that she won the case…Was I happy for her? Yes of course. I love her dearly and I am happy that she won. Actually I am happy with whatever makes her happy. Did I sound excited, as I should have, No, maybe not. I wonder why?

Back after a days work from home

Got up yesterday, with a body ache, dunno why? Decided to work from home. Best decision of the day! Of course Suben insisted that I really pretend that I am at work and try and finish as much work as I can. He also took alysha out with him so that I could work. Well, I did work, but technically I was also sick. remember the body ache. It was killing me. So .....naughty me ....made an appointment for an aromateraphy massage for 3pm. Told hubby (through sms) such things should never be told by phone or in person as he may try to disuade me, anyway told him as skiving off work and going for a massage. Didnt get a response form him whcih wa a good sign. Abandoned my MIL at home and went for an amazing massage. Felt so good after that.

Met Rehana and gang for dinner at Pizza Uno, alysha was more excited than me. She almost had the whole pizza by herself after watched Uncle Chef make the Pizza. Loved the company and all the attention she was getting from all her "aapas".

We had pizza, cabonara, sangria and lemon pana cotta to end the wonderful meal. Had such a nice time. Put her to sleep and read my book for a while and went to bed. If only there were more days like this.

And there is more. Am going for a mid night show with hubby at 12.15.am today Surprised? So am I , but have decided to do this more remember? He is in Kuantan Saturday night and Sunday so decied to have the night out on Friday instead. Alysha would be asleep so I guess she should be ok.

I have decided that I am going to be going out more often with my cousins. I have always declined invitations to movies and dinners coz am usually tired or want to be with alysha more. But I think I am ok now about leaving her behind once a while. Also now that she is older, I can always take her out for dinners like yesterday coz she had loads of fun too.

'till later

My baby can read numbers

We entered the lift to our apt, alysha and I. There was another mom and her toddler there too. Alysha looks at the floor and excitedly says "number 7, mama, number 7 on the floor" There was a strip of tissue shaped in a number 7 on the floor.

So you know lah, this kiasu mama was beaming away thinking in her heart "My baby can read numbers." How many 2 year olds you know who can read numbers? :).

I kow, i know, must stop thinking like that but cant help it lah!

My MIL is coming

My MIL will be here tomorrow. Actually, its really ok that she is here. I think the only problem I have with her is that she occasionally gives Suben a hrd time and he gets all stressed up and cranky. Otherwise she is quite fine. Infact I am thinking maybe I will cook something nice while she is here. Also be home more so that she can play with Alysha. But of course we dont want her to get too confortable either, what if she overstays ? no, no no, need to have a balance, Cant be too nice then. Have to make sure her stay is sweet but short.

Can we trust our healthcare providers ?

Was just reading Jenn's blog about peoples experiences with gynes and how they are so eager to push a women in labour into a C-section, either due to the extra money that the gyne would make due to the convenience of having to attend to the patient at his/her time of convenience.

Its made me recall my delivery and the experience I had with my gyne. Of course I was naive then and never really thought about the fact that this would be a consideration with my gyne as I really like her and trusted her completely. When I was told that I was going to be induced, it was only natural to me as my gyne said that as I was already 3 cm dilated and we had no reason to wait because with waiting comes the risk of complications.

In hindsight, I now know that there may have been a chance for me to wait as I was in alright condition, water level was fine and all but would I even dare question my gynes judgment ?Absolutely not. So when she said "Come in on Thursday, we will have you induced (15 days before my due date), I obediently complied to her directions.

Of course, after it was all over , I recalled her commutes about the fact that she will not be around during Raya (Which was my actual due date) and so some other doctor would be attending to her, unless "baby decides to come earlier" (She used to joke) .

We all know, with c-section comes the risk of not being able to breastfeed post-partum simply because for a week, you cannot exert pressure on the wound which makes it difficult to breastfeed. Also the chances of having a natural second birth would be very very low. Not to mention the cost that is involved. One surgery in a private hospital means at least 2.5K. This of course depends on the hospital and the gyne. My bill was RM3.5K with a natural birth.

The 2.5K is only for the surgery itself not to mention hospital stay, drugs, baby's pead charges . The bill can easily be 5K. I am told , Jenn's bill was 10K. Can u imagine that ?. Of course this includes Raeven five days in the hospital due to her jaundice but 10K is a lot of money, almost impossible money for someone like me.

In comparison , a natural birth in UMMC (semi-private) would cost RM400.

I was lucky enuf to have a natural birth, which I thought would never happen because I was in labour for 18 hours before my gyne (finally) instructed to increase the pressure of the induction, in the middle of the night (3am actually) so that by the time she comes in the morning, I would be dilated just right. Of course I had no clue until my cousin who is a mid wife who I called at 2 am coz I panicked when the nurse came in to tell me that it looks like its going to be a c-sec. Anyway, my cousin pointed out that the pressure of the induction drip was too low for me to start dialing as I should. This was because it was 2 am in the morning. Imagine if I was fully dilated then. My gyne would have to come at 2 am. to deliver me something which I am sure she would not appreciate.

Well, thank God! it worked out fine but what about the second time? What if I am advised for a ceaser. Can I afford it? Wouldn't I want to be at a place which is known for their best neo-natal care? I know many many people who will swear by the excellent quality of healthcare provided by UMMC. The only problem seems to be the wait to see the gyne during the check ups and of course the perception of the place, not so canggih as a private hospital I suppose.

have to really think about this carefully and the cost that will be involved in my next delivery. Maybe I can start asking around about the doctors at UMMC from people who have delivered there. Or just forget about the whole thing and go back to my gyne who I am comfortable with. But what if it turns out to be a 10K delivery?

Anyway, Lia is in labour for sure by now, actually she would have delivered. How to find out? Will write to Jenn. Hope everything worked out fin with her and baby Keiren.

I am her sweetie

My daughter insisted that she wanted to comb my hair. So she lay me on her lap and started combing. Suddenly she bend down and her face is so close to mine, she kisses me and says "Mama, you are my sweetie" Can u imagine that ? I just melted, took her in my arms and just kissed her all over until she had to scream for me to let go. I guess she figured it really makes me feel great and so, while we were entering the bread shop last night and I was helping her up the stairs. She stops, looks at me and says "Mama, you are my sweetie". We paused for a while, she smiled at me with the most amazing smile, I smile back and we continue climbing the steps to the bread shop. Its like a scene from some movie or a perfect Kodak moment. Just didnt have the darn camera and a professional photographer handy.

Told suben about it. He must have got really jealous coz he came in the room and said "alysha, wanna comb papa's hair" Of course the answer was "NO". Their relationship has evolved so much in such a short span of time. Its since he has ben making an effort and she really likes doing things with him and having him around. She has included him in the list of people she loves "mama, I love you, papa and kakak (ok, not going to say anything selfish here about her kakak) very very much. " This is amazing progress from the days of "I dont love papa".

But I guess, somethings only mamas and daughters share, like combing each others hair. After all only I am her sweetie.

Phew! What a week.

What a week its been? Havent had the time to blog for the longest time. Miss chatting with myself, hehehe!!

Been extremely busy with work and hense the silence but am back. Had a good week despite being busy at clients place. The only thing I remember about last week is having lunch at the clients expence. Me and seeja have been eating O'Brien's irish sandwiches, its the yummiest thing I have had in the longest time. Name the filling and they have it. turkey & cranberry sause, bacon & eggs, turkey ham & cheese, chicken & anything you want, salmon, the list goes on and on.

OK, enuf about food. The weekend before last was good, went out with hubby and had such a nice time. Dinner with cousins, movie and made love to end it all with, just lovely. He really needs this time with me alone. The next day, I had the most pleasent surprise, hubby was up early, came for tosay breakfast with us (its usually just me and Alysha), came along to TMC......I was amazed. I figured he was just happy about the night before and didnt want it to end. It was really nice family weekend.

Have also been spending sometime with sri. Went to Trisha & Sasha over the weekend with her and Gitanjali. Am feeling connected with her again. Its terrible that I am the kind who needs to spend time with her to feel connected. I love her dearly, she is the only other friend I have after Joe. Being the detached person I am, I am generally very bad and making and keeping friends. So I really treasure our friendship. Its just that we have been so busy doing our own thing (after we had our daughters) that I feel that we have sort out lost the connection we had or maybe its just me who feels this way. She has lots and lost of friends , so sometimes I guess I feel insecure about our friendship. Anyway, feeling better about the whole relationship with her. Although I feel we dont have as much in common as we used to I dont want to lose this connection. I guess I have to work harder at it. She has her own blog now so maybe we can catch up reading each others blog.

Alysha has been in a ON and OFF mode. Sometimes she is the sweetest and sometimes the tantrums make me wanna pull my hair out. But things have been more managable then before so cant complaint.

Don't really like long blogs so will write about the weekend in another one.

Lunch with husband

Just had lunch with Suben. Did not go very well? Food was good but everytime I think we are going to have some quiet time, it never happens. I was really looking forward to it coz he is going away to Ipoh for at least 2 days.

Firstly we had someone join us coz he wanted to pass some doc to Suben. Then we were alone for a wile and I didnt have much to say and nether did he. Then, his phone kept ringing, I know when you are in a profession like his, there are always calls but whats the point then of having lunch together, just to see each other and not be able to talk ? Whats the point?

Got in the car and he was still sorting out his calls, brothers thing, I was hot and tired and the air cond was not working and just waned to head back to the office coz it was not like we were spending any quality time together. Maybe he is content by just having me around even if we dont talk much, maybe I have become impatient. He got quite upset coz I looked agitated and blew up saying that I am so impatient and demanding exclusive attention, blah, blah,blah.

Is it wrong then to demand exclusive attention from my husband consideraing I dont get much of it? maybe the timing was wrong? I dont know, I felt so bad apologized coz I didnt want him to leave for Ipoh mad again. We inevitably always have a fight before he goes to Ipoh.

Why is it like this? I really wanna love him, I do coz I know I do love him but why am I so impatient with him now a days and him with me ? Why dont we have much to talk about with each other? Why cant he find some exclusive time for me away from his phone? What can we do to make things better coz I really want things to be better. I want to have things as there were before? How do I get there ?

Told him I will book tickets for Saturday night. Will it happen?

Another pre-school experience

Called Sri, just to confirm about Tricia & Sasha on Saturday and she said she had a call from Chrissie ?? from Child Playworks about bringing Alysha in for an observation. How did they get the mother wrong ? hellllooooo???

Anyways, she explained that she met Sonila at Meghala's wedding and mentioned Alysha was waiting for the obsert=vation at her place, so , did Sonila think Sri had another child called ALysha and went back to work and told Crissie to call Sri. Would she have called me if she didnt met Sri. She said she would, as soon as she thought the new kids had settled. I have spoken to her 3 x in 2 weeks, how could she have got this wrong.

Tho petty, thins whole thing has not given me a good impression of the place.

ANyway, called Crisie who said I could come in on 19th. I said,No I cant, busy at work. can come in tomorrow and she was ok with it. I somehow liked the way Sunbeam had approached the whole thing. This is not even a trial. I come in at 10 and can either sit in a corner and observe or sit in the office. And its only for an hour. An hour? What can you observe for an hour ? By the time Alysha shows any signs of being confortable, it will be an hour or more. I really dont like the feeling of this.

Things are under control

They just panicked for no reason. Just spoke to Suben as everything is fine. Judy is still with him. Some friends carried him up to his apt so don't have to worry and panic. Its just that my MIL sounded quite distressed (for a son she has does not want anything to do with) so I got worried.

All under control "phew..." Can do some work now.

Call from my MIL

My MIL just called saying my BIL met with an accident last night and he has a fractured leg and an injured eye. He has been to the hospital but they dont want to keep him, how can that be ? I wonder why? She says its because he can walk notwithstanding the fracture so no reason to keep him....so what do people who dont have others to care for do when meet with an accident? Stay in the hospital right? But they dont want to keep him, it seems, beats me , really! Now what?

She suggested he go to his aunty's house (MILs sister), co'z she is willing and has a maid who can care for her but he does not want to coz cant walk up to watch TV, helooooo? is that a reason, how can that be a reason when you are desperate, sitting in the car outside the house having no where to go because you cant walk up your apt? He wants to stay at our place, which is fine with me really (depending how long?). He can stay at my place but no one will be there. How will he manage?

And the other reason I have reservations is "Judy", his girlfriend. She is .....cant find the right word. Seems ok and does care for him but can get really,really unbearable. I am quite a private person and she is quite the opposite, actually nosy is the word. Anyway, does it mean she is going to be around if he stays at my place. What does it mean? The TV will be on all the time and we all know how I feel about the TV being on with Alysha around. As it is I give Suben a hard time about it. Where is she right now? How come she is not with him? I know she loves him? Did she leave him?

I know I sound like a really nasty in law but there is a history to this. My BIL hasactually given my husband quite an amount of grief and stress. Its like everytime he gets in trouble, Suben has to go and bail him out. And the amount of money he ows us....is another thing all together.

OK, going to stop being a real B**** here. Actually, he is quite a "pavam" case. His karma has not been good, tings just always happen to go wrong with him and Suben is always there for his family and thats something about him that I actually like....he is not as selfish as ME!

Still cant get Suben on the phone to tell him about this. Going to try again.

'till later

Been a bad bad girl

havent done any work, well not really, did some (4 pages of documentation) since my bosses have not been around. Just no bloody mood to work.

Will have no choice tomorrow as bosses are back. Its already 4.15 anyway. 1 hour to go before I head back, so many interesting things to read on the web.........hehehe!!!

Admission to Harward, Cambridge, Stanford.......

What does it take? Apparently not onlythe distinctions but this guy who was given an offer by all 3 unis plays the violin, piano and another instrument. He is also a sportsman (cant remember which sport now) and has been to some third world country to teach underprivileged children. How do you get to be like that. Is it genes ? What else could it be.

Cant imagine Alysha becoming a musician coz me and Suben just don't play any instrument at all. I am sure she likes music and will probably take up some instincts in school but to excel in it......I really don't know.

Do parents have to do something in particular to get their kids to be all rounders. How is that done? Someone pls enlighten me ?

More earthquakes

Did anyone read about the one yesterday in Tokyo measuring 6. something and anotherone in Indonesia also measuring 6.something. What does this mean? More earthquakes to come. So far no deaths or destructions reported as the one in Tokyo took place some 2 am and there were no passengers in the underground subway where it took place. Otherwise there would have been thousands dead.

There was an earthquake expert reporting that we are clearly not earthquake safe, due to Indonesia dn Australia.

It gives me the shivers when I read about this. Wonder what's next? I always felt that as long as the earth does not open up with lava gushing through, we will survive. Now I dont know anymore!

Aunty M finally came for a visit

Yup! Its confirmed. I am NOT pregnant. Just got my period this morning and felt very very sad but a lot better because I dont have to deal with the anxiety anymore. Was feeling very bloated and have been having cramps for the past few days, hence the pregnancy suspission co'z I never really get those when Aunt M is due.

Really, its so much easier when there is no planning involved. Like the first time. It just happened. I got pregnant. Not prepared for it at all but then you just deal with it. But when you start planning, just the stress makes you wanna go "eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkk"

Anyway, didnt do any work yesterday as was in state of depression. Have lots to do today.

'till later

Alysha is taking a break

Alysha has decided to take her break from her long series of tantrums. I hope its either a long one or a permanent one.

She listens to me..... a little more than before and of course I am trying very hard to stick to my guns and say No when I mean No. So maybe it is true, she is just testing her limits and if I had kept giving in, it could have made things worse.

Well, she still wants and does the opposite of whatever I say but when she does not get her way, her tantrum spans are shorter, I think. Either that or my level of tolerence is much higher now.

I ammissing her a lot today. Spoke to her on the phone many times and missed her more everytime.

Cant wait to get back. Counting the minutes, tick, tick, tick.......

I am devastated

Could I have imagined it? I was so sure I saw a faint 2nd line. So sure. Just did the test again and results were negative.

What does this mean? You shouldnt trust RM10 test kits. The one just now was RM20. Maybe its too soon to tell, but what was the bloody faint line then.

All things in life don't turn out as we plan them. That hope that I was pregnant, leaves me with a sense of mourning.

But, its ok, really, because if God wanted me get pregnant right now, I would be pregnant. There is always a reason which is unknown to us humans. He knows best. But I have a deep feeling of loss. I cant stop grieving.

I have a secret to tell

Besides the da Vinci Code, which I finally am reading, something else kept me awake on Saturday night. I just couldn't sleep. And guess what women who are awake at 3 am on Saturday nights do? Yes, exactly, take a pregnancy test.

So I did just that. What was I excepting, a negative of course. I left it on the sink and went drink some water. When I got back...........There was a very very very faint 2nd line. But very faint. Did I say very already, maybe not enough, it was very very faint to the extent that I could have been imagining it. So dumped it in the bin and tried to go back to sleep. Woke up after an hour, went to the bin, looked at it again and it was just as faint.

Pretended as if it didn't bother me and went back to bed. Tried to ignore the thought at the back of my head that I could be pregnant but just couldn't take it anymore so have a pg test kit in my bag that I am going to use in a while.

God! let it be more visible this time. Don't let it go away pls, pls, pls.

Interesting weekend

Saturday started off all wrong. Alysha woke up, took her to the hall and she was lazing on my lap with her thumb in her mouth. Suben was getting dressed to go for his training. Saw her on my lap, grabbed her and ran her out to the balcony to show her the birds and chicken.......The wail was ear piercing! She is like that, does not likes to be disturbed when is lazing around, specially after she just woke up. Suben took it personaly and got so upset, started saying all the wrong things, got me and her all upset and left without saying bye.

"Sigh" It was terrible to see him go off like that but at the same time there was a relief that it was now quiet and nice and my daughter was not wailing. We sat and watched Hi-Fi, Noddy and Barney. I know too much tv for a 2 year old but was feeling so lazy that just didint feel like doing anything much or going anywhere.....further more no car....so no question about going anywhere.
Dropped Suben to the bus stop and spoke about what happened in the morning. Tried explaining to him that I know he loves her and so does she. His way of showing her he loves her may be a little too .......dont know what the word is. She is sometimes difficult, a lot of times, really, so be sensitive to how she feels. "What about how i feel?" he says. "But she is only 2. How does she know how you feel ? If she knew you felt bad that she refuses to let you show her the chickens in the morning, I am sure she wouldnt do it, coz she does love you."

Actually she misses him a lot when he is not around and keeps making him part of whatever game we are playing. I wish he could see that sometimes.

Had prayers and put her to bed quite early.

Sunday was good. Went swimming on Sunday morning and it was so much fun. Alysha just loves the water. Had a quiet afternoon and went grocerry shopping in the evening and had a very early night. Suben is back today and am looking forward to seeing him. Havent spoken to him much in the past 2 days.

Have to get back to the book as soon as I can. Its really captivating!

Run around just to get a check book!!!

Have to rant about this bank that my salary account is with. I had requested for a check book 10 days ago from the ATM. My branch is in Sogo so obviously went to Sogo to collect it. "Sorry maam, we are now a service centre. YOu branch is now in Medan Tuanku. Could you pls go there and collect your check book".

Couldnt they have told me this via a letter or something so that I didnt have to go all the way to Sogo. Anyway, I find the Medan Tuanku branch, tell them about the check book that I requested 10 days ago, show them the ATM confirmation slip. "Sorry maam, we have no record of it. You will have to resubmit the request and come and collect the book on Monday. And next ime pls come here to request for the chack book, dont use the ATM as sometimes it can resullt in this. "

Why the hell have such a service through your ATM then. I just wanted to yell at the lady at the counter but found I was too tired and it would be a waste of energy anyway coz we know these things fall on deaf ears.

Walked all the way back to the office, tired and with no check book.

The act of juggling

This reflects best how I feel about my life : Hope my bosses never get to know

In life we have to constantly juggle five balls in the air: work, family, friends, health and integrity. You'll find that when you drop the ball on work, it will bounce right back. Work is made of a rubber ball. The other four balls, however, are made of glass. When you drop them, they will shatter. You can replace these balls, but they won't be the same again.

Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson

Am I a kiasu mama?

Hate to be the kiasu type. Always told myself I am not and will not be. Then I think about what has happened over "The preschool". You remember the post about Alysha starting school. The 2 days at school went fine then suddenly I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head about the place. Maybe it was after I found out hat one of the aunty/teachers that was in my daughter's group is Indonesian. Indonesian? Cant she even speak proper english? But does it matter? Of course it does. I am so particular about the way I speak to Alysha and I think that's the reason she speaks quite well.

Then I meet a friend in Kids Spots who tells me she wants her son out of the place I am planning to send my daughter coz the teachers are not really qualified. The Aunty that I mentioned was actually a maid in another pre school and is here on a maid's permit. And she is unhappy about the fact that her son (now 4) does not learn how to read or write. Unlike the son of one of her friend who can at least read and write a little. All he does in school is play all day. Also, she caught one of the teachers smacking her child for no reason.

But isn't he just a kid. Isn't that what kids are expected to do. Then again when you pay them so much money every month (a sinful amount, really) , isn't it too much to ask for if they throw in some learning as well. Really dunno what to say about the smacking.

Arrrrrggghhhh! (You might have realised by now, i do this quite a bit) I am now totally confused. Shall I try out another place then, montessori one maybe, shall I just hold on till she is 3? But I know she is so ready and she really needs to learn to interact with other kids.

Or shall I just let her be there and play till she is 3 or 3 1/2 then move her to another school where they will teach as well? What shall I do?

As much as I hated to do it, I called up the principle and told her I was away for 2 week and can only bring Alysha in the 3rd week. Then immediately called up the principle of this other great place I know (montessori) and told her I want to do a trial which is fixed for either Wed, Thurs next week.

I thought it was going to be difficult to manage Alysha as she was pretty excited about school and really enjoyed the 2 days she was there. She never even mentioned it. More than happy to go to her nani's house in the morning.

So really what shall I do ? Lets see how I feel after the trial at the new school. She is only 2 and look at the decisions that I have to make. Or am I just making a big issue over nothing?

God! I really sound like a kiasu mom .

Feel loved again

Today has been a pleasant day albeit a busy one but was pampered my hubby dearest since morning. Maybe because I could not sleep due to my maid's problem and woke up with a terrible dream. He has been so loving. Staying up with me since morning and asking me if I wanted anything, a hot drink , a lift to work, etc. We even made love in the morning. He has called me a zillion times since morning as well to tell me he misses me.

I think its also because he is less stressed today. No appointments, no where to rush in early morning traffic. Imagine what living in competitive KL can do to your relationship. If only we all slowed down a little, we automatically become more loving to our loved ones. We had a nice morning with hour daughter and then of course I had to rush to work. Hope it ends as a pleasant one too !

PS : Had a wierd dream about going diving with my husband and my ex-boss ( who is a diver). Ex-boss was teaching us how to dive. Suddenly we were in a submarine and came above the water to view a beautiful scene of an erupting volcano ( what the****). Excited, we couldn't wait to get closer to the erupting volcano. What kind of a dream is this? I know it sounds like a pleasant one but I bet you its got to do with my fear of some volcano erupting and an earthquake that I have been thinking about sub-consciously.

Pls God , I don't need to dreams about erupting volcano specially if its with my lunatic ex -boss. I know its creative but I don't mind boring dreams like.......Oh I don't know anything but volcanic

Maid Crisis

Got home after work yesterday and maid's face was black as coal. Tried avaoiding asking her what happened and hoped if I didint, it might just go away.

While playing with Alysha, she came by and started sobbing saying that she wanted to go home. I panicked , of'course but acted very cool and said that she still have 6 months left. After much probing, (all most an hour). she admitted she was having a problem with managing at my mom's. Aaaarrrggghhh!!!! nOt again, This has happened before and I have had to speak to my mom before about this but this time things are really bad. How am I going to manage this.

What am I going to do if she leaves ? Quit? Out of question? then what? I hate to admit that I am totally depended on thsi stranger who I pay RM370 every month to take care of my home and my daughter while I am at work. Why do I have to feel so helpless ?


In actual fact she is actually an ok person. She cares for Alysha like her own sister. But how does one tell her mom.

Lets try " Mummy, I love you very much and if I could afford it, I would get a maid specially to take care of you but you know I am not in the position. I cant afford to lose this maid because I need to work and I need someone to take care of Alysha while at work. Also I would like to get pregnant soon, hopefuly sometime this year so I am actually asking her to stay on for another year. Please help me to make this happen. Dont treat her as the maid of this house and expect her to be responsible for everything here. dont schold her for no reason, dont load her with a lot of work. Please try and get a maid for the house so that this does not happen again and again. If thisgoes on then I have no option but not to bring Alysha here and thats the last thing I want to do. I want her to be here and spend more time with the family and not only the maid. I will also feel more assured at work. Pleasee, please"

Will it work ? Dunno, How I hate confrontation but I really have to do this? I know I onw her a lot and I should try and help her as much as I can but what can I do in a situation like this . Someone tell me , its ok to do this, and say these things to my mom? Anyone??

2 days off work

Haven't written in the longest time ( 3 days in actual fact). have been busy attending training at Nikko Hotel. Training was so, so. Trainer was not even good looking. The best things about trainings in Hotels as you know is the Food!. It was an amazing spread. No, you cant ask how many pound I have put on. You may know, how much oysters and salmons I had. Actually I had lost count so no idea.

2nd day of training actually rushed back by 4.30 and took Alysha swiming. We had so much fun. It looked like it was going to rain but we prayed to Mr Sun. No matter how many times i explained that Allah had more conrol over this, my little one belived that Mr. Sun could make the rain go away AND so he did just to make sure she continued having faith in him. Clever Mr. Sun.

Droped Suben at Toastmasters and Alysha went to bed earlt of course, after all that swimming.

Yes, she can actually swim. With floats of course. Hopefully she will be confortable without them soon. I ducked her in the water once and hopefuly she forgives me for that :)

Its Saturday again

Suben pretended as if nothing happened the night before. I pretended that I had a happy family for whom I was making pancakes for breakfast. Suben left for work and I spend time with Alysha playing puzzles and beads, etc.

Joe came after a while. We could not really spend much time together as I was busy with Alysha. He actually felt asleep on the couch as I was playing elmo on the computer with Alysha and giving her lunch. She was so amused with his snoring and kept asking me why does he sound like this! hehehe!

Anyway, it was nice having him around, just him being around gave me comfort. Knowing he is there if I needed him, even when I had to leave him all to himself when I went and put Alysha to sleep. If I were to start counting my blessings, the biggest one such a friend in my life. He is always there for me. Always! Well, ok maybe not always but when it matters, he is there. Where would I find a friend like him in this life time ever again, No chance!

Suben is back but leaving for selayang again. I am going to try and take a nap coz its going to be a long night.

'till later

What did I just do?

Oh God, what did I just do? Save me my Lord, save me from myself. Give me patience and courage to deal with situations like this.

I just yelled at my daughter. I have been so stressed today and really tired. I have this stabbing pain in my back which runs down my left leg. I tried not to carry her just now, getting Suben to do it but she wailed till I just had to finally carry her.

We got back really late from my mom’s which is entirely my fault apparently, notwithstanding that it was the maid that I had to wait for to clean up 'coz my mom has no maid and my sister is not around. Then getting Suben to get off his butt is another thing altogether.

We got home and I just needed to remove my lenses and have a shower. I got the maid to play with her while I was having a shower. Suben of course just plunked himself on the easy chair and that’s the end. When I was done, my maid came out and said she needed to go take a shower so I called Alysha towards me. She just refused to come to me. She started wailing for the maid to play with her. The maid after stressing that its bed time and said she can’t play started attending to things. Alysha just continuously bawled till she coughed and coughed.

I tried again but she kept saying “I don’t want you. I want to play with kakak. Kakak carry me” My heart broke to a million pieces. This is my daughter who I spend every single moment of my free time with. I carried her for 9 months, nurtured her, breastfed her till she was 2 and she just wanted me to go away coz she wanted her kakak. Her ever loyal friend who is always there for her. Not like her mama who has to rush off to work everyday (although with a very heavy heart). And who is of course at times tired and can’t give in to her need to play all the time. Who sometimes prefers her to sleep so that she can rest and can have some time to herself?

I absolutely lost my senses and just grabbed her and took her o the room, yelled at her, slammed the door until she was actually so scared that I could sense her cry was from fear and shock. I started crying then and started kissing her and telling her that I love her and that I was sorry. She settled after a while and we played and she went to bed quickly coz she was exhausted.

Suben’s reaction to the whole thing was “Next time when she is sleepy bring her home early and put her to bed.” And back to watching his TV even when she was bawling away. What was my expectation from him? Nothing anymore after this incident. But during the time when she refused to come to me I expected him to do something, anything to make her and me feel better. But as always once he gets home and into his chair, he shuts out completely. He was actually focused on the TV when she was wailing away. Can you imagine that!

He knows I am upset over the whole thing. He just got off his chair without a word to me and went to bed. What kind of a relationship is this? One from which I can’t expect anything, not even a word of comfort. What kind of a marriage? His response to me now, if anything would be “All you know how to do is cry” Well yes, I cry a lot. That’s the only way in which I let out otherwise I will go mad.

To my baby “Mama is so sorry, mama loves you so much and it hurts, it hurts a lot. And mama is very tired sometimes. Too tired to play or even put you to sleep when u are sleepy. Ya Allah, please help me to deal with this and forgive me for hurting my baby. I am making a promise today to make sure that today is never repeated. Never, ever again.

Oh God! She is 2. What would she know about what I am feeling or anything at all? All she wanted was to play with her kakak. Please forgive me. Please help me Lord. I want to be with my daughter. I want to be there whenever she needs me. I want to be a good mama to my gudiya. Please help me find a way. Please help me! You are all I have to rely upon. Please have mercy and help me for you are my only savior.

PS : I probably edit this blog tomorrow as now I am in no state to think logically. I am just pouring my heart out in tears.

Guilty feeling for trashing my bosses

My bosses are really not that bad after all. Jon, actually came by to ask how did pre school go for Alysha and naratted a story about his 2 kids and how they were when they started school. Feel so bad about trashing him just now.

Actually they are very nice. Thats the reason I am still working here. I like my bosses. I mean they give me hell once a while but hey! they are at the end of the day running a business.

"Sigh! Feel kind of relieved. Wont have such a heavy heart over the weekend.

I choose heaven at my feet

Just wanted to share an article on Female led prayers. I cried at parts of the article on motherhood and it made me realize that most of us forget our special place as women and we get clouded with ideas of success, equality and respect.

Female-Led Prayers: A Step Forward for Women?On March 18, 2005 Amina Wadud led the first female-led Jumu`ah Prayer. On that day, women took a huge step towards being more like men. But, did we come closer to actualizing our God-given liberation?

This answer was kindly provided by Sister Yasmin Mogahed, a member of Ask About Islam Editorial Staff. Yasmin is an Egyptian-American Journalist based in Wisconsin, USA. She is currently studying for aMaster's degree in Journalism .)Well, answering your question, I can say that I don't think so What we so often forget is that God has honored women by giving them value in relation to God-not in relation to men. But as Western feminism earases God from the scene, there is no standard left butmen. As a result, theWestern feminist is forced to find her value inrelation to a man. And in so doing, she has accepted a faulty assumption. She has accepted that man is the standard, and thus a woman can never be a fuul human being until she becomes just like a man-the standard.When a man cut his hair short, she wanted to cut her hair short. When a man joined the army, she wanted to join the army, and soon. She wanted the settings for no other reason than because the"standard" had it.What she didn't recognize was that God dignifies both men and women in their distinctiveness, not their sameness. And on March18, Muslim women made the very same mistake.For 1,400 years, there has been a consensus of scholars that men are to lead Prayer. As a Muslim woman, why does this matter? The one who leads Prayer is not spiritually superior in any way. Something isn't better just because a man does it. And leading Prayer is not better just because it is leading.Had it been the role of women or had it been more divine, why wouldn't theProphet have asked Lady `A'ishah or Lady Khadijah,or Lady Fatimah-the greatest women of all time-to lead? These women were promised heaven and yet they never led Prayer.

But now, for the first time in 1,400 years, we look at a man leading prayer and we think, "That's not fair." We think so,although God has given no special privilege to the one who leads. The imam is no higher in the eyes of God than the one who prays behind. On the other hand, only a woman can be a mother. And the Creator has given special privilege to a mother. The Prophet taught us that heaven lies at the feet of mothers.But no matter what a man does, he can never be a mother. So why is that not unfair?As soon as we accept that everything a man has and does is better, all that follows is just a knee jerk reaction: if men have it, we want it too. If men pray in the front rows, we assume this is better, sowe want to pray in the front rows too. If men lead Prayer, we assume the imam is closer to God, so we want to lead Prayer too. Somewhere along the line, we've accepted the notion that having a position of worldly leadership is some indication of one's position with God.

In fact, in our crusade to follow men, we, as women, never even stopped to examine the possibility that what we have is better for us. In some cases,we even gave up what was higher only to be like men.Fifty years ago, we saw men leaving the home to workin factories. We were mothers. And yet, we saw men doing it, so we wanted to do it too. Somehow,we considered it women's liberation to abandon the raising of another human being in order to work on a machine. We accepted that working in a factorywas superior to raising the foundation of society-just because a man did it.Then after working, we were expected to be superhuman-the perfect mother,the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, and have the perfect career. And while there is nothing wrong, by definition, with a woman having a career,we soon came to realize what we had sacrificed by blindly mimicking men. We watched as our children became strangers, and soon recognized the privilege we'd given up.And so only now-given the choice-women in the We stare choosing to stay home to raise their children. According to the UnitedStates Department ofAgriculture, only 31 percent o f mothers with babies, and 18 percent of mothers with two or more children, are working full time. And of those working mothers, a survey conducted by ParentingMagazine in 2000, found that 93 percent of them say they would rather be home with their kids, but are compelled to work due to "financial obligations .".Given my privilege as a woman, I only degrade myself by trying to be something I'm not, and in all honesty , don't want to be-a man. As women, we will never reach true liberation until we stop trying to mimic men and value the beauty in our own God given distinctiveness. If given a choice between stoic justice and compassion , I choose compassion.And if given a choice between worldly leadership and heaven at my feet, I choose heaven.

Tension at work

Rushed back today after dropping Alysha off,she was already asleep in the cab. Yup, had to take a cab today as Suben had the Mydin loyalty card launch to attend. It was very very hot and tiring. Anyway, as I got in, felt like all eyes were on me. Only ones who smiled were seeja and manju. The snake obviously gave some very sarcarstic look, indicating like "oh, Madame consultant is finally here " But honestly I care 2 hoots!

Eustace (my boss) came by and asked me how it went and I said good and that I think next week onwards she should be fine. Jon (my other boss) (who I have been avoiding, I think avoided me). This is because he wanted to have a meeting with all consultant in the morning and I was not around. I had already informed Manju that I wont be around Thurs and Fri morning. In any event, if they think that I priority is work compared to getting my daughter started on school, they better change whatever perception they had of me of being a top star consultant, coz I am just not and have no intention of being. They are not going to find a Fairus in me. No way ! My family specially my daughter is my priority and please don't expect anything extra from me except for what I am supposed to deliver. Deliver I will but nothing more that than.

have prayers today and mom is cooking prawns which Suben bought from market today so will stay back after Prayers for dinner. Which means its going to be a late night at my mom's.

But I think I should coz I know my dad really misses Alysha and today is one of the days that he will be able to see her at night, coz otherwise I have been going back home early after work the whole week.

Have to catch up with some hindi movies. Feel like watching one today. What shall it be. Shall call Joe and ask what's new.

'till later.