My partner in parenting

My hubby has never been the kind of father I was hoping my children would have. He was never really involved in the daily care for my first born and from time to time tried to do the parenting thing but I could tell he was doing it either out of guilt (that I made him feel) or duty as a father. I never thought he truely enjoyed doing things with her (except for watching TV, LOL)

And maybe thats the reason he is not very connected to my elder girl. And of course it does not help, when your only daughter says, "I love mama, kakak, nani and everyone except papa" And the more you feel disconnected, the more you would not bother, the more you keep a distance and then it gets worse. Its a visious cycle.

With Inarah, its really different. He told me he wants to do better. I said okay, lets see. He did make an effort, much much more than with Alysha. Until now, you could not really see the results. But now, you can see it. Inarah will gladly run into his arms from mine (most of the time) and really enjoys being with him. He plays with her, tries to feed her, he can even put her to sleep. I am suddenly so impressed.

The other day when she was down with fever and I was holding her most part of the night, at some point of time he came by and took her from me and I could lie down and give my back a rest. Other nights he has volunteered to hold her as well. Like I said, its a cycle. She responds to him and because of that he genuinely likes being with her and wants to do things with her.

For the first time after a long time I feel that I am not doing this alone. I have a partner. I hope its not short lived and will get better. I guess its a learning process for him.

Its all part of being a Mom

I know I sound really bad in my last post. Its just how I was feeling then. I had a comment that said You are a good mother, Be strong. I know I don't need to be told but its good to be reminded that I am a good mother. I really am. I give them 110%. I love them to bits, a little too much maybe. Most moms do, I am sure.

Being a mother means your heart is no longer yours alone. You give some of it to them.

Yesterday night when I was holding her and putting her to bed. Her head resting on my shoulder, feeling her skin against mine, feeling her heart beat against mine, hearing her breathe through her little stuffed nose, seeing her feeling so much peace being in my arms, her eyes telling me there is no other place she'd rather be but in my arms and my eyes telling her the same. I breastfed her, her eyes closed and I put her down to bed with that little mouth curving up into a smile, (probably a wonderful dream ahead). I know she is okay and I know its all worth it.

Its all part of being a mother. The sweet moments, the bitter moments, the worries, the peaceful feeling, the pain, the sacrifice, the perseverance, the list goes on. And I wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world. Nothing comes close to it. Nothing at all.

I just looked at the date of my last post, Dec 11. Its been a month since Inarah as eaten a proper meal. It was the chicken kurma and that was it. She has refused to eat since. Hubby, maid and I are pulling out our hair everyday trying to get something or other in her tummy. She has lost so much weight. She was finally above the 8 kg mark, she was close to 9kg and now she is back to 8kg.

Don't ask me to try different kinds of food. We try at least 10 different foods a day. You name it, I have tried it. Mashed stuff, chunky stuff, crispy stuff, Indian, western, Chinese combinations, just plain cheese, crackers, bread, soup, juice, raisins (someone advising me asked "which kid would not eat raisins?" well mine doesn't )

I just cant understand it. For someone who use to take good 3 meals a day, how does she decide to not want to eat anymore? Does she not feel hunger? If she opens her mouth to take the food in or if we force it in, she stores it in her mouth and just does not swallow. She drinks milk. She has been surviving on milk and whatever food that we manage to push down her throat or trick her into eating.

But she eats papaya and grapes from time to time. So you see, its not a eating disorder or painful when she swallows. She has just suddenly become the most fussy eater ever. There was a day where she just had 3 grapes, that's it.

I have made numerous trips to the paediatrician who finally reluctantly advised me to give her Pedisure. She has been exclusively breastfed so far and yesterday she had her first formula milk. Its sad that my milk supply may slow down or even stop if she takes formula but she needs it to grow. I just have to pump and dump. She took the formula well. I plan to give it to her once a day for now and still continue to try and give her solids.

She has also been down with a bad flu. Its been more than 2 weeks. After I course of antibiotics, she has still got lots of phlegm and a very bad cough. Its causing her to throw up every time we give her medication. So most of the medication comes out. She has thrown up 3 times this morning. She was so tired and breathless after that and immediately slept off.

She is not dehydrated and is still quite active most of the day. But you can tell she is losing her energy. She does not stand that often anymore and prefers to be carried all the time.

She just turned one and tomorrow is the appointment with her cardiologist to set a date for surgery.

I am totally stressed, worried sick and dead tired. Two days ago, she had fever of 38.3 and just refused to be put down the whole night. I still have to work and its quite a busy month for me at work but I manage to take emergency leave from time to time to take her to the pead. Like today. She does not have fever anymore but she is still down with a bad cough and lots of phlegm.

The pead tells me that its nothing got to do with her condition but I cant help thinking that her body is not strong enough to help her recover because of her heart condition. And of course its also because she is not eating.

I just don't know what to do except keep taking her to the pead to make sure that there is no infection. I just went 2 days ago and plan to go again today.

I dont know what I am feeling anymore. Scared, sad, worried, tired, frustrated, angry, all at once.