Sugar & Spice

Surgery is over and Inarah is recovering well

2008-11-13T09:30:00.003+08:00

I have to apologise to all for such a long silence. The important thing is that surgery went well and we are back home and Inarah is recovering well.

If she was fully clothed, you wouldn't be able to guess that she went through a open heart surgery.

Thank you for all your prayers and support. I really feel that it's everyone's prayers that pulled all of us though.

I did update on the events that took place at the hospital and will upload that as well as some pictures soon.

Thank you again

HE just knows best

2008-10-09T00:26:00.003+08:00

Just as we were all packed, the hospital called to infomrm that due to another emergency case, Inarah's op has to be moved to Friday.

There was an amazing sense of relief. HE just knew I needed this day and the day was just great. I was very calm and relaxed and got to spend a lot of time with both my girls as I was off work. Played board games, read lots of books, watched some TV with them, got them dressed like princesses and went for prayers.

So we are set again to leave for the hospital tomorrow for admission and the surgery is now scheduled for 9 am on 10th of Oct, Friday.

Please keep this little girl in your prayers, that everything goes well and she recovers well.

The Big Day is here

2008-10-07T16:01:00.002+08:00

I am trying very hard to stay calm whist preparing for surgery. But it’s been so difficult. I am all nerves Sleep has been very restless. Work's been busy and I have to e thankful for that co'z it keeps me away from thinking about it again and again.

I see this image of my baby in the IT getting knocked out by the strawberry flavored gas and has no clue as to what is happening or about to happen. This image is from the last time she was there for the catheterization procedure. And just that image scares me so much. Will I be able to see this through without breaking down? I can’t. I have to be strong for her for everyone else.

We are supposed to check in by 1pm tomorrow.

Please pray for Inarah that her surgery is a complete success, that she recovers well and is back home with her family and friends living a normal healthy life.

I read this in Evan's blog and it's exactly what I need to know

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior

We have a surgery date

2008-09-27T12:30:00.001+08:00

We have a surgery date, its 9th Oct. A week after Hari Raya. Hari Raya is going to be very different this year. Its going to be us waiting in anticipation and worry for the date. Will try to keep her home and away from crowds and kinds.

She is well right now and hopefully remains well till surgery.

We just found out that the cardiologist will usually recommend the elder sibling to be off school for 2 months co'z that's where the infections will come from. Thank goodness school ends in a month. I gave Alysha the option of going to school and stay at her grandma or off school and stay at home. She wants to go to school. She must really love this school and her friends.

Please keep her in your prayers and pray that we all have the strength to see this through.

Postponement of Surgery

2008-09-09T11:27:00.003+08:00

Sorry for the delay. Things are little chaotic. Inarah is still not recovered from her very bad bout of infection. Had to go see Dr. Lim for another round of antibiotics.

So this is really a continuation from the last post and I have to apologize to some who thought that we proceeded with the surgery.

The nurse came every ½ hour to check on her leg coz they could not feel a pulse on one of her feet. Then Dr. Lim came in a rush which alarmed me immediately, I think it was 1 a.m. He said they are going to put her on “heparin” as she seem to have a clot somewhere in her leg and they cant feel her pulse on her feet. Her right foot was cold. If heparin does not work they have to put her on another medication (just can remember it now) which will thin her blood and open up her veins. If they need to use that medication, surgery is off for 3 weeks at least.

If heparin works, she will bleed at the spot where the vein is punctured and that’s good news. It means the blood is flowing well.

Of course we were not supposed to sleep that night and watch out for the bleeding upon which they would stop the medication. I could not have slept having her in that condition anyway. Heparin was supposed to be on for 24 hours.

But after 8 hours and no pulse at the feet still Dr Lim decided to proceed with the 2nd medication. He looked at me or rather the state of me and decided to put her in the high dependency unit so that there was a dedicated nurse for her.

16 hours later, per pulse was back and strong as in the left feet. We were back in the ward and Inarah was back being herself. Surgery was off. We were discharged after 3 nights. And then next day she catches a horrible infection, fever, cough, lots and lots of phlegm that made her vomit every time she coughed.

So here I am thinking surgery would have been off anyway with this kind of infection. It’s just meant to be. Now we have to get another date. And I would like to wait till Dec if possible coz we have a religious thing in Nov possibly.

But while she was ill in this past week, she has been so frail and tired at times with her finger nails showing blueness.

So here I am in a situation where I have to now decide again whether to proceed with surgery right after raya in Oct or wait till Dec.

She is recovering better now, no more fever. It’s just the cough that will hopefully start subsiding with the new anti biotic.

Thanks for all the prayers and concerns that I have been receiving through SMSs and e mail. Please continue to keep her in your prayers. Will try and post some pictures of her after the procedure when she was in high spirits. That’s all me managed to catch.

It finally here-Cath and Surgery date

2008-09-04T10:00:00.003+08:00

It’s finally here. Inarah’s surgery or rather it was here. We had to postpone it. I know it's confusing. Please bear with me. I'll start from the begining. I did not blog about it earlier coz I just could get myself to do it yet, I think.

Inarah’s cardiologist finally said very firmly, fix a date for surgery. It’s no point waiting. Her heart is ready-fully developed.

We had a date for surgery for the 5th of Sept and for the cardiac cath on 3rd. And then we were all preparing for it, mentally and emotionally, or rather thinking that we were preparing for it. But you can never prepare for something like this, especially if it’s our first time and we have no clue what to expect.

Did all that I need to do. Made arrangements for mom to sleep over, drive Alysha to school, got my leave papers approved. Met up with the surgeon for a chat.

Nice guy, Lee Weng Seng, in his early 50’s but looks much younger. It was an interesting meeting. We walked in and he said “yes, what can I do for you ? Looks like a straight forward case, what do you want to know?”

Of course, we wanted to know everything. But I didn’t know where to start. After warming up bit, he started talking. Giving us statistics on why we should do the surgery now and not wait any longer, talking about brain abscess and other risks. Then telling us what to expect after surgery in terms of recovery. It was a very short meeting, less than 15 min at the end of which I don’t know if I felt any better about the whole thing. But it was sure that we just have to go ahead with it this year.

Hospital called on the 26th and said we can do the cath on the 28th. Called my Suben and he said it’s too soon and I said yes, I agree. But both of us knew that it was not. We had a day to digest it and Inarah was well, so it’s the best time to do it.

Got admitted by 1p.m.. Had to keep her off food and drinks which was okay and she had a good meal before that. I left the room when they put in the IV line. Suben stayed. She did not even flinch. Just smiled at Suben when it was done. And from then, I knew this little girl is going to be the bravest, strongest girl I will ever know.

Took her to the OT for the cath and good thing the anesthetist let me in. For a while she looked like she was going to tear when she thought I was going to leave her there. They let me put her on the table and hold the mask on her. In less than 20 sec she was out.

It took an hour for the cardiologist to come out and tell us that there were 2 other narrowing that the echo did not show and that the surgeon will tell us tomorrow how he plans to do the surgery. I could hear her crying for me after a while. It was horrible. She must have felt so confused once she came out of the anesthetic. The minute I went to her, she asked me to carry her. I was so afraid that I might hurt her. But they told me to go ahead. I carried her to the room and she cried to sleep.

She woke in 2 hours or so asking for milk and water and cried herself to sleep again when she realized she was not getting any for a while. Somehow, even though she was groggy and all she understood after a while when I told her that she has to wait to drink or eat. After a while, she just slept which made it easy for all of us.

Once she ate and drank she was in good spirit and back to her normal self and I was amazed by the fact that she was just so okay, happy, just her cheerful self again. It’s amazing how strong she is. It puts me to shame.

Now that I am writing this, I feel I can talk about it without any emotions. But the feelings involved are indescribable. I was scared then angry then calm and then nothing for a while and then when I saw her crying after the procedure, I had to hold back my tears and be strong for her.

One thing for sure, I am so glad she is 3 months short of being 3 years. I really don’t know how I would handle it if I had to explain to her why is this all happening to her. Why does her heart need fixing.

I’ll post again on what happened next.

Convent Bukit Nanas vs SRK Bukit Damansara

2008-02-21T11:39:00.003+08:00

Alysha goes to Std 1 next year. I am so confused as I have had good reviews about both schools.

So if you have had direct experience with either or know people who have their kids there. Pls do let me know.

I know some of you might think "Aiya! what's the big deal. But really now a days from what I know it is a big deal and the wrong school can really screw things up.

All for a hug

2008-01-25T09:54:00.000+08:00

Seen this morning. A 5 year old refusing to share her cup with her 2 year old sister. 2 year old sister ran behind the couch with a grumpy face. 5 year old sister went behind the sofa and said "Ben (sister in gujerati) will share it with you if you give me a big hug" 2 year old grins and hugs her sister so tight the cup and the sisters fell on the floor laughing.

And all I am thinking while watching this is "Wonder if it gets better than this if I had another one?"

Ms. Mousy the bully

2008-01-25T09:39:00.000+08:00

Alysha is becoming quite of a bully. Initially I was just surprised as I always feared that Ms. Mousy would be the one being bullied in school. But this mouse is roaring quite a bit now.

I have seen her bully Gitanjali, Inaya, Kakak Siti and now she has moved on to Inarah. She messes with her hair, pulls her pants down, snatches things from her, says nasty things, manipulates her and all kinds of stuff that I never would have thought my 5 year old little mousy was capable of. Sri did mention that she does it only with those whom she is comfortable with.

The past 2-3 weeks have been difficult on me and Inarah. Inarah for being bullied and me for trying not to intervene so much and hoping its just sisters discovering their boundaries with each other. Inarah of course throws a fit, bites, cries and comes running to me for rescue when she is bullied.

So what do I do here? I started by telling Alysha that its not a nice thing to do, Inarah does not like it and that she should stop it. But it didn't work. I then started scolding her, again threatening punishment and I have even spanked her for it. It still has not stopped. I am not there all the time so there has to be a way of managing this without my presence.

What would you do?

Losing it, over a napkin

2008-01-24T14:55:00.000+08:00

You know I am a good mom. Pleasant, patient, well manered, caring, open to reason, you can go on.

And I was doing all those things when I took my my 5 year old and 2 year old to IKEA. And so we all had a great time, you know, hot dogs for lunch followed by ice cream, singing in the car all the way home. And so it's only natural to expect the day to end in a equally pleasent mood.

So we get home and excitedly open up this colorful storage thing that we bought from IKEA, which I had intended to use as a laundry basket for the kids and placed it in the room.

And so, my 2 year old is so exited and wasted no time putting a napkin in which she used to wipe her wet hands. A while later my 5 year old changes her clothes and puts them in the laundry basket and "RAAAAAAAAAAAH". No, not Harry's dinasour but something had got into my 5 year old. She roared, she wailed, she screamed, she stomped and did every single thing that I did not expect her to do.

All for the fact that there was a NAPKIN IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET. Its not a place for napkin. Its only for clothes.

So what would a pleasant, patient, well manered, caring, open to reason mom like me do? Let her finish throwing her tantrum and patiently reason with her about the napkin, something like that right?. But it's the way she did the whole thing, showing she was incharged and she decided what went where. Now that really threw me off. And so there was a need, an overwhelming need to exert my authority as her mother, as the person whose rules you follow. And as much as she insisted that the NAPKIN should be OUT I ensured that it remained IN. And needless to say that I won the battle shamelessly exerting my authority as an adult, threatening punishment and injury, for which I am so very shameful now.

Why does it happen? Why do we end up like this? I really don't know. She is clearly behaving like a 5 year old but why do I feel the need to behave like one as well?

Tipping Point

2007-10-02T16:46:00.001+08:00

Events in the past one month have brought me to the tipping point

What events? you ask, here's a summary so that I don’t forget.

1. We are all just sick - 2 bouts of bronchitis (me), 3 asthma attacks(Alysha), chicken pox (hubby), high blood pressure and anxiety (mom and also me for having to live with her)
2. Suryani (my maid of 4 years, my partner in parenting and household crisis management) left for Indonesia for good
3. My MIL's maid was packed away for good which means she is staying with us, no need to mention further
4. Inarah has stopped eating again and has lost weight - this stresses me up the most
5. Either there is such a thing as terrible five which the books just don’t mention or Alysha is reacting to Suryani leaving very badly. We have yet again lost connection and at the moment it feels like we are never going to get it back.
6. We are staying with my mom in a very tiny room which is like an oven, dealing with her nagging since hubby has chicken pox
7. I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired - running up and down to send and pick Alysha from school, send food to MIL and hubby, work was ultra busy last month not showing any signs of slowing down till December.
8. I have had no sleep with the bronchitis and asthma and fasting month and all the running around
9. I am sure I have forgotten another 5 things that happened

I knew why I wanted put it all in writing coz firstly I will forget this phase in the next few months. Secondly but most importantly I need to remind myself that this is temporary and things will be back to normal again.

And it was just last night when I was having a long conversation with hubby on the phone while watching my 2 kids asleep in bed and thinking of how blessed I am.

You've just got to try this

2007-07-02T09:22:00.001+08:00

I am serious. Just go ahead and try this receipe

6 cups rolled oats -- not quick-cooking or instant
2 cups mixed nuts and seeds: sunflower seeds -- sesame seeds, chopped walnuts, pecans, almonds or cashews.
1 cup dried unsweetened shredded coconut -- optional
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon -- or to taste
dash of salt
½ to 1 cup honey or maple syrup -- or to taste
1 cup raisins or chopped dried fruit -- optional

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a bowl, combine oats, nuts and seeds, coconut, cinnamon, salt and sweetener. Place on a sheet pan (lightly oiled) and put in oven. Bake for 20 minutes or a little longer, stirring occasionally. Mixture should brown evenly; the browner it gets without burning, the crunchier the granola will be.

2. Remove pan from oven and add raisins or dried fruit. Cool on a rack, stirring once in a while until granola reaches room temperature. Transfer to a sealed container and store in refrigerator; it will keep indefinitely.

No oil, No sugar. Guilt free and so yummy. Great snack for kids.

I mixed Golden syrup and honey coz didnt have enough goldern syrup. The only mistake I made was that I made half the protion coz I wanted to try the receipe out first. Its almost all gone. Have to make another batch soon. Like today.

Meanwhile, went to one of the Taman Tun parks with Manju, Sri and the kids. What a wonderful experience. Was so happy that we have something so wonderful around. I guess there are many others. We just dont explore enough. For more info on the trip, go to Manju's blog coz I am rushing for a meeting

Till next time

Prayer for another heart baby

2007-05-30T14:22:00.000+08:00

We have another heart baby , Elijah. He's got TOF like Inarah but with an extra complication of pulmunary atresia. He had a corrective surgery 5 days ago. We know of the risk of a stroke and infections in this surgery. There are many many complications that can arise. This fighter is having a difficult time. Everytime I read details of the surgery and see his pictures in tubes and all , I just cry and cry my heart out. Please pray that his recovery process goes smoothly.

Meanwhile, I just got back from my holiday at Pangkor. It was a good trip for me but kids just had a blast. Alysha just refused to get out of the beach and Inarah cried everytime I got her out of the pool.

Will post pictures when I get the time. Meanwhile, these were taken from the hp.

Alysha focused

Inarah's laugh
The cheeky little one.

Mothers Day

2007-05-14T09:48:00.000+08:00

On Saturday, I had bought and packed the gifts for the trip to UMMC to celebrate Mothers day with mothers who have been by the bedside of the little ones tirelessly caring for them for days, months and some even years. Its called the Mothering Mothers Project that MMB embarks on every year.

Saturday night while in bed I was recalling the moms I had met a 2 years ago. I didn't go last year as I was still recovering from having to deal with Inarah's condition.

I remember a mom who was feeding milk to her 4 year old partially paralysed son, from the bottle. He was obviously quite heavy but she had him in her arms probably for hours feeding him (coz it took him forever to drink). She was talking to me about how it happened; half crying, half embarrassed about crying to a stranger.

I remember a mom who was playing and laughing with her daughter on the bed. You would have never known that the daughter has leukemia and her mother is there by her side going through treatment after treatment; keeping both their spirits alive.

There were many many more but I dont think I can talk about it coz as I am writing this, I cant stop my tears from flowing.

I remember holding in my tears back after meeting each mom and giving them the presents and wishing them Happy Mothers Day.

Saturday night as I feel asleep, thinking about these moms and my trip the next day, I woke up crying. I cant remember the dream but I could remember having Inarah in my arms and running and that's it.

I decided not to go for the visit. I went with Alysha much earlier, left the gifts with the security guard and a note of apology for Ros. I dont think I would have been able to take it. I would have just broken down and cried all the way and that's the last thing you want to do with mothers who are trying very hard not to cry in front of their children.

Its a great gesture to have gifts beautifully wrapped for them to bring a smile on their faces. And thank you MMB for this. But Mothers don't need gifts. All they want is for their children to be happy, healthy and safe.

And that is all that I wished for on Mothers Day. That is all that I pray for.

I am into baking

2007-05-08T15:29:00.000+08:00

I have been visiting food blogs lately. I love food, I like cooking but I have realized that I love baking.

It started because Inarah does not eat much, all the good stuff, vege, sweet potato, oats, tofu, honey, yoghurt – basically all the good stuff that you would want a toddler to eat. She doesn’t. On the other hand, Alysha loves food, anything at all, mostly sweet stuff. She loves snacking on cookies, buns, choc muffins, twiggies, etc – stuff she will easily get at my mom's no matter how much I try and stop it.

See my predicament, one kid who loves eating and easily puts on weight (just like me), one kid who we have to trick into eating and we celebrate when she finally puts on a few ounces.

Anyway, I started baking for them. I figured if I give Alysha good and healthy home made snacks she will not eat all that other junk and I can disguise all the good stuff that Inarah does not eat.

So this is what I have baked so far. They are all low sugar and I don’t get to have more than once slice of it coz it just disappears as soon as its out of the oven. That’s also because I usually save some for Sri, Gitanjali, Alysha’s other friends at religious class and school and my mom. So you see, its also community service:

Oatmeal and coconut crunchie
Oatmeal and banana muffin
Oatmeal and prune muffin
Sweet Potato muffin
Tofu patties
Banana bread pudding
Oatmeal and raisin cookies

This is what is next on the list :

Orange cake (for my mom - mothers day)
Pumpkin Pie – (specially for Inarah)
Banana Nut bread
Oatmeal and yoghurt muffin
Cinnamon roll
Peanut butter muffin (specially for Inarah)
Strawberry chocolate upside down cake (for me and Sri- will try and keep it away from the kids)

As for me, I have been losing some weight. I have started yoga which I like very much. Makes me feel a lot lighter and flexible. I am doing some swimming which I plan to do more of and drinking lots of water (thanks to Sri’s water therapy advise). I also am drinking some herbalife shake on days when there is nothing exciting for lunch/dinner and I am not too hungry. I am doing it very inconsistently though so don’t know if that’s working. The best part about losing weight this time is that it does not feel like I am on a weight loss mission (which is usually the case). Just eating smart (less carbo), which probably means pretty slow weight loss but I am in no hurry. And I am nowhere close to giving up my "cha" and whatever goes with it, oh! and also chocolates

Now you are wondering, how I am going to be losing weight while baking all that stuff, right? I am wondering too . But the thing is the stuff is so yummy that there is never enough to go around, let alone have an extra slice and its low sugar, remember!

Will let you know that outcome of my weight loss as well as of the success of my baking expedition, soon.

Alysha with her magic wand

2007-03-19T14:20:00.000+08:00

Was putting Alysha and Inarah to nap on Saturday afternoon. Nap times are getting more and more challenging with both of them napping together.

Anyway, Alysha was upset as I kept getting her to be quiet and lie down even if she did not want to nap.

She had her little magic wand with her.

Alysha : "If you get me to sleep I will change you into a leopard."
Me : I could eat you up if I was a leopard"
Alsyha : I will change you into a cat.
Me : "Meeaaww"
Alysha : I will give you so many kittens so you have sooooo much work.

Totally cracked me up.

I guess she does realise how challenging and tiring it can be to raise children like her.

Blogging is therapeutic

2007-03-16T17:49:00.000+08:00

I really feel better, a little refresed after all that posting. Umm, it may be true. blogging may truely be therapeutic.

Have a great weekend, everyone

The little entertainer, Inarah

2007-03-16T17:27:00.000+08:00

I am on the roll here, so bear with me. I just could not end the week without writing about the latest and greatest of my darling Inarah.

1. She has learnt how to pretend cry. She goes around with this sad look on her face trying to imitate herself crying. it sounds somewhat like an owl hooting, really "hooooo..."

2. She goes around shaking her head saying, "na, na, na, na" for no when she does not want something or does not want to give you something back, like the remote control.

3. She points at hubby's nipples and goes, "mik, mik" for milk, cracke me up :)

4. She points the remote to the air cond or Tv and goes, tit, tit. No idea where she got that sound from.

5. She nods her head and says, "k" for okay, when we are explaining something to her or telling her to do something.

6. She loves the book, babybug, where Julie puts teddy in the suitcase and yells "surprise, its teddy" in the next page. She goes "pri" with her hands up in the air.

7. She walks around the house and suddenly squarts. We run to her coz we think she wants to go potty ( trying to toilet train her). She gets up the minute she sees us and gives us this look like she was shitting us. Cheeky little baby.

8. She end mostly all the sentences in her favorite books

"baby's boat is a silver": she says "moo"
"sailing in the" : she says "ky"

"And the quite old lady wispering" : she says "hush" with her finger on her lips.

9. She says "moo" for cow, "quack" for duck, "pak" for chicken, "on" for pig, "aaa" for lion.

10. Like a robot goes into the batnroom after her meals to wash up (with us running behind her) and then to Suryani's room for a change. Without us telling her to.

10a. You really have to see her dancing. She bends down jutting out her butt and truely moves it, her hips moving too. It's just a sight you wouldn't want to miss.

Where did she learn all this. I really dont know. I really have to give credit to Suryani for this. She is puttting into practice what she has learnt in the past three years with Alysha.

I am truly going to miss her. What am I going to do when she leaves. That's another story all together

This age just amazes me. Love this stage compared to the bratty toddler I have. just kidding!

Connecting with Alysha

2007-03-16T16:52:00.000+08:00

And so Alysha is disconnected to me? What ? you ask.

This is how it goes with me. I have the need to connect with ALysha from time to time when I feel she is disconnected to me. I don’t know if other moms feel this and can relate to this or it’s just something that I feel. My personal need.

After I had Inarah, due to the juggling and my inability to slow down and enjoy little precious moments with them, I feel torn between Alysha and Inarah. Inarah needs me most of the time when I am home, coz she is one. Alysha used to need me a lot until I had Inarah and I couldn’t give her the kind of attention I used to. So she has gotten used to it.

I use to come home, have Alysha run to the door to greet me, give me a hug, sit on my lap and tell me about her day or anything that she wants to talk about. Now I come home, Alysha yells Hi! form wherever she is, although I make it a point to go to her and give her a hug. Most of the time she is too busy doing whatever she is doing.She does not even look at me in the eye until I insist sometimes because I want to get a point across and I need her to really listen

Inarah on the other hand wants to nurse as soon as she sees me, so she is in my arms for a good 10-15 min (this is when I feel connected to her) before she goes off to play. .

Maybe its because she is growing up, she is 4 after all. Do 4 year olds still need hugs and kisses as much as 2 year olds? maybe not.

And for me, I need to connect to effectively discipline her. Otherwise I just end up yelling at her and end up with her getting all violent and saying hurtful things. Or maybe she would do that anyway, whether or not I feel connected when I am disciplining her.

Its so much easier having just one kid, where you can focus on her and not feel torn between the two and so many other things.

Oh I dont know, this thing is so difficult. Anyway bottom line, I need to connect. And we will be spending some quality time together , just her and me, tomorrow. And hopefully , it gets easier after that.

Of course I have to keep doing it. Its a continuous process. I just wonder how do people with 3 or 4 kids do it.

Chocolate or a spa experience ?

2007-03-16T16:30:00.000+08:00

I need either now, right now! but the chocolate has to be the real expensive bitter ones, like the Belgian ones they have at Mid valley for RM7 each. which is like oooh lala, you just want to savor every bite.

I make this awesome crunchies, coconut and oatmeal ones. I brought some at work as we were supposed to be in a working meeting all day and in 3 min, it was all gone. This one was good as it had the right amount of sugar. Sri, always complains that anything from my kitchen is usually low sugar which takes away the uummph! so I was generous on the sugar when I made this batch.

But it does not do to me what chocolates does. Of course not ! you would say, if you knew chocolates the way I do.

Anyway, its been a heavy week. With sick kids and work not showing signs of slowing down. Good news though, the forum that we were working towards, for which we were suppose to work over the weekend got postponed to sometime in April.

Yay! Yay !. I have my weekend with kids and Sunday afternoon with hubby. I still have work to do over the weekend but I can do it from home.

My eyes are hot and truly feels like they are on fire. What does that mean, it means I probably need sleep more than the chocolate or the spa. Maybe I need a holiday.

All by myself by the beach, no kids, no hubby, no one. Just me, chocolates, a book ( a few maybe) and the sky and the sea and the breeze and me lying down on the beach on my belly reading my book, while this masseur is oiling and kneading my back for the longest time.

Oh, I want, I want. I want. No. I need, I need, I need.

Ah! Just have to make do with some chocolates, I guess.

My partner in parenting, Part II

2007-03-14T14:09:00.000+08:00

I really have to give credit to hubby for being a wonderful partner to me in caring for my children. Of course, I wont be able to do this without Suryani and my mom.

But hubby has been consistently giving me the support I need to make it through. He has driven up and down dropping things off to Alysha; visiting her; looking after Inarah when I had Suryani over at my mom's to keep Alysha entertained; giving me that occasional, quick back rub after a lousy night (with Inarah up , more than 8 times); and many more thoughtful things.

Of course, there were times, he switched off the lights and blasted the tv so loud that I had to take Inarah to the room until his movie was over. But I guess he needs that to unwind.

And today after seeing the symptoms on Inarah he said "Don't worry, I'll look after her", I was just so touched.

Thank you, jannu. Love you.

Hand Foot & Mouth

2007-03-14T13:08:00.000+08:00

Alysha was diagnosed with HFM last Friday. We were supposed to go off for our Holiday to pangkor on Saturday morning.

I didnt sleep all night, worried and tired. Did all my research and found out all about Coxsackie A16 and and enterovirus 71, totally impressed my pead. I also re-scehduled my trip to may (next school holidays) as I had fully paid for the package.

Saturday onwards I sent Alysha to my moms and Inarah was at home with Suryani, my maid. I travelled up and down every 3 hourly during the day, taking 3-4 showers in between, coz I am so afraid to spread this to Inarah. Thank God Alysha is okay to sleep with my mom. Actually she really likes it coz she gets all pampered.

Thanksfully, she had it quite mild. I would say its probably due to all that fruits and veg she has been eating. She didnt have any fever, has been active as usual and did not complain of any pain, except some discomfort on the first day. But I think that was just to get some ice cream from me as she heard the pead mentioning that its recomended during this time. The sores in the mouth started going off after 3 days and she is now back to normal.

This morning Suryani spotted a spot on Inarah's finger and some redness at the roof of her mouth. So far, no fever. I hugged her so hard and just feel like crying. Inarah is finally at a good weight. You can see it on her. She is even developing a little belly like her sister. And now this!. This will surely bring her down a few kilos.

I am so afraid and worried for her. The last time she was sick she had completely stopped eating. I just cant imagine her in pain with all that sores. We are just praying hard that she has a mild one as well. Hopefully all that immunity that breastmilk is suppose to provide comes handy this time around.

Meanwhile I thought my schedule was already too full for a stressful crisis like this. Work has been ultra busy, with the possibility of having to work over this weekend.

But of course, all I want is to be by my childrens side in times like this.

I also deal with stress pretty badly, so really, any survival tools will be helpful.

Inarah and me

2007-02-14T13:11:00.000+08:00

A picture I have been wanting to post for a while.

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day

2007-02-14T12:48:00.000+08:00

Yes, its Valentines Day today and its also Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day. I was just sitting in front of my pc reflecting on my life since I have had Inarah. How it has changed and how it has changed me.

She just turned one. Time has flown by and I have had a wonderful year with her. She is capable of so much love.

She almost flies into my arms when I get back home from work. When I leave her even for a while, she sprawls on the floor with big huge tears rolling down from her eyes. It truly breaks my heart. She wakes up in the middle of the night just to be sure that I am next to her, snuggles with me and goes back to sleep. When she is up in the morning, all she wants is for me to carry her so that she can plant the sweetest kiss on my lips, point to my nose and say “ose”. And then this little girl with big twinkling eyes smiles at me the sweetest smile I have ever seen; and I know that its all worth it.

I always thought I could not love anyone as I love Alysha. I love Inarah with all my heart and soul. I didn’t know I was capable of loving her so much and just cant imagine life without her. I truly thank God for giving her to me.

I have been truly blessed as she has been keeping well. If everything goes well, surgery will take place only next year. There are many parents who are not so lucky.

There are parents who are at the stage I was a year ago when I was told that she had CHD. I remember feeling frustrated, confused, lost, feeling so much anger and pain. I was just broken for a while. I was one of those who thought that something like this would never happened to me. I was totally oblivious to CHD and what it meant to a parent with a CHD child.

And there are parents who are in hospitals fighting together with their little child who have to go through surgery after surgery.
And there are parents who have lost their children to CHD. I cant even begin to think of the pain they feel.

To all parents with CHD child, I say a special prayer for you and your child today. A special prayer for gavin who has just had a heart surgery and suffered from a mini stroke. (about 10% of heart babies have a stroke during heart surgery).

This is a beautiful poem that I picked up from Evan’s blog that brought tears into my eyes.

Somewhere...someplace... today...
A family is waiting to hear...
Is something wrong with their baby?
The answers aren't quite clear...
This family has entered an unwanted world...
And they just don't know what to expect...
Somewhere...someplace... today
They first heard the words: heart defect.
And how they hoped this was not true...
And thought... this cannot be...
I too... know just how this feels...
For one day...this was me.

Somewhere...someplace...today...
And how they hoped this was not true...
And thought... this cannot be...
I too... know just how this feels...
For one day...this was me.

Somewhere...someplace...today...
A man and a woman embrace...
Their baby is in surgery...
They long to see her face...
They haven't got to hold her yet...
Without...a cord or line...
They pace the room awaiting news...
And hope she'll be just fine.
Prayers fill this busy waiting room...
And mom and dad are scared...
Somewhere...someplace..today...
The tiniest hearts are repaired.

Somewhere...someplace...today...
A child's growing fast...
Smiling,laughing,thriving...
His mom thinks...can this last?
It's almost easy...to forget...
That anything is wrong...
Somewhere...someplace..today...
Her child seems so strong.

Somewhere...someplace... today...
A little boy fights...just to live
A father holds his tiny hand...
His love...all he can give...
The doctor's are all baffled...
They fear that he might die...
Somewhere...someplace...today...
A family says goodbye...

Somewhere...someplace...each year..
More than 40,000 families will see...
What it means...when something's wrong...
They'll face a CHD.
Today...for just a moment...
Stop...remember...reflect...
Make time to tell someone you know...
"I've been changed by a heart defect".

Author - Stephanie Husted

My partner in parenting

2007-01-12T10:45:00.000+08:00

My hubby has never been the kind of father I was hoping my children would have. He was never really involved in the daily care for my first born and from time to time tried to do the parenting thing but I could tell he was doing it either out of guilt (that I made him feel) or duty as a father. I never thought he truely enjoyed doing things with her (except for watching TV, LOL)

And maybe thats the reason he is not very connected to my elder girl. And of course it does not help, when your only daughter says, "I love mama, kakak, nani and everyone except papa" And the more you feel disconnected, the more you would not bother, the more you keep a distance and then it gets worse. Its a visious cycle.

With Inarah, its really different. He told me he wants to do better. I said okay, lets see. He did make an effort, much much more than with Alysha. Until now, you could not really see the results. But now, you can see it. Inarah will gladly run into his arms from mine (most of the time) and really enjoys being with him. He plays with her, tries to feed her, he can even put her to sleep. I am suddenly so impressed.

The other day when she was down with fever and I was holding her most part of the night, at some point of time he came by and took her from me and I could lie down and give my back a rest. Other nights he has volunteered to hold her as well. Like I said, its a cycle. She responds to him and because of that he genuinely likes being with her and wants to do things with her.

For the first time after a long time I feel that I am not doing this alone. I have a partner. I hope its not short lived and will get better. I guess its a learning process for him.

Its all part of being a Mom

2007-01-12T10:25:00.000+08:00

I know I sound really bad in my last post. Its just how I was feeling then. I had a comment that said You are a good mother, Be strong. I know I don't need to be told but its good to be reminded that I am a good mother. I really am. I give them 110%. I love them to bits, a little too much maybe. Most moms do, I am sure.

Being a mother means your heart is no longer yours alone. You give some of it to them.

Yesterday night when I was holding her and putting her to bed. Her head resting on my shoulder, feeling her skin against mine, feeling her heart beat against mine, hearing her breathe through her little stuffed nose, seeing her feeling so much peace being in my arms, her eyes telling me there is no other place she'd rather be but in my arms and my eyes telling her the same. I breastfed her, her eyes closed and I put her down to bed with that little mouth curving up into a smile, (probably a wonderful dream ahead). I know she is okay and I know its all worth it.

Its all part of being a mother. The sweet moments, the bitter moments, the worries, the peaceful feeling, the pain, the sacrifice, the perseverance, the list goes on. And I wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world. Nothing comes close to it. Nothing at all.

2007-01-11T09:59:00.000+08:00

I just looked at the date of my last post, Dec 11. Its been a month since Inarah as eaten a proper meal. It was the chicken kurma and that was it. She has refused to eat since. Hubby, maid and I are pulling out our hair everyday trying to get something or other in her tummy. She has lost so much weight. She was finally above the 8 kg mark, she was close to 9kg and now she is back to 8kg.

Don't ask me to try different kinds of food. We try at least 10 different foods a day. You name it, I have tried it. Mashed stuff, chunky stuff, crispy stuff, Indian, western, Chinese combinations, just plain cheese, crackers, bread, soup, juice, raisins (someone advising me asked "which kid would not eat raisins?" well mine doesn't )

I just cant understand it. For someone who use to take good 3 meals a day, how does she decide to not want to eat anymore? Does she not feel hunger? If she opens her mouth to take the food in or if we force it in, she stores it in her mouth and just does not swallow. She drinks milk. She has been surviving on milk and whatever food that we manage to push down her throat or trick her into eating.

But she eats papaya and grapes from time to time. So you see, its not a eating disorder or painful when she swallows. She has just suddenly become the most fussy eater ever. There was a day where she just had 3 grapes, that's it.

I have made numerous trips to the paediatrician who finally reluctantly advised me to give her Pedisure. She has been exclusively breastfed so far and yesterday she had her first formula milk. Its sad that my milk supply may slow down or even stop if she takes formula but she needs it to grow. I just have to pump and dump. She took the formula well. I plan to give it to her once a day for now and still continue to try and give her solids.

She has also been down with a bad flu. Its been more than 2 weeks. After I course of antibiotics, she has still got lots of phlegm and a very bad cough. Its causing her to throw up every time we give her medication. So most of the medication comes out. She has thrown up 3 times this morning. She was so tired and breathless after that and immediately slept off.

She is not dehydrated and is still quite active most of the day. But you can tell she is losing her energy. She does not stand that often anymore and prefers to be carried all the time.

She just turned one and tomorrow is the appointment with her cardiologist to set a date for surgery.

I am totally stressed, worried sick and dead tired. Two days ago, she had fever of 38.3 and just refused to be put down the whole night. I still have to work and its quite a busy month for me at work but I manage to take emergency leave from time to time to take her to the pead. Like today. She does not have fever anymore but she is still down with a bad cough and lots of phlegm.

The pead tells me that its nothing got to do with her condition but I cant help thinking that her body is not strong enough to help her recover because of her heart condition. And of course its also because she is not eating.

I just don't know what to do except keep taking her to the pead to make sure that there is no infection. I just went 2 days ago and plan to go again today.

I dont know what I am feeling anymore. Scared, sad, worried, tired, frustrated, angry, all at once.

My baby likes Chicken Kurma

2006-12-11T14:59:00.000+08:00

Inarah has not been eating well for the past 3 days. Barely a few spoons. That too she keeps her food in her mouth forever and we have to keep giving her water to make her swallow her food. I did not think much of it coz she was down with a throat infection and fever 2 days ago. But when she refused to eat even lost night, it got me a little worried.

Her staple breakfast is : french toast/scramble eggs (with cheese)/oats with fruits

Her staple lunch/dinner is : mashed pasta/rice/potato with fish/chicken/beef. And its cooked quite well - with onions, garlic, tomato and herbs/indian spice.

Quite good food, wouldnt you say for a 11 month old?

Today when she refused to eat for lunch my maid gave up and tried feeding her some chicken kurma whcih she had cooked for the rest of us. Its got all the idnian spices as well as chili and cocunut milk. Inarah loved it and after a long time had a good meal.

Although we never gave Alysha any salt/sugar in her food till she was 2, Alysha migrated to adult food quite quickly, but chicken kurma at 11 months, I dont know!
What do you think. As long as she is eating , right?

So does this mean that she will refuse food that does not have salt/sugar? How now?

TOF Babies

2006-12-11T10:27:00.000+08:00

Brayden and Kendall just had their open heart surgeries for TOF. They have been on my mind and in my heart and maybe that's the reason I have been a little nervous and not at peace for the past week.

They are doing well after surgery and it just amazes me how brave they are and how much courage and energy this little kiddos have.

Please pray for them and their families coz its even harder for the people who love them so much.

Meanwhile, Inarah is doing just great. She has started walking while holding on to one of Alysha's chair. Infact it’s difficult to keep her seated most of the time. You can see, she is getting ready to start running.

She is so wonderful to play with. She knows and points to her ears, hair and nose so well. She has got 6 scary looking teeth and bites real hard if you dare put your finger in her mouth, lol.

She loves her books and can tell the difference between zebra, pig and girrafe on her bed sheet.
She almost can say "kakak" (Sister) to Suryani but now it sounds like "katak" which means frog in malay, lol

She can say, "pull" while pulling her ears and "boo" for peek a boo. And its lovely to sing rhymes to her specially :Hickory dickkory...." coz she will say the "dock" and laugh away right after that.

She understands most of what we say and will ignore what she chooses to ignore, like picking out the decoration from the Christmas tree (yes! its up). Alysha and her play so well now and just the other day when Alysha was at prayers with my mom’s he called back to say she misses Inarah and not to let her sleep till she is back.

Alysha will scold me if I raise my voice to Inarah and then very gently tell her not to do what she should not, lol. It’s wonderful to see them together.

Inarah is due for her check up in January and I know I am going to be all nerves during the visit to the cardiologist coz this is when he will start taking about when to schedule the surgery. I just don’t want to think about it right now.

I am back

2006-12-11T10:10:00.000+08:00

I have been back for a while now actually, a week to be exact but just have not had the time to blog. Been busy with work and kids. My trip was okay. I survived without my kiddos and so did they. Inarah woke up every hour the first night and drank bottles and bottles of milk. The next night she woke up only twice, once for milk and the other time hubby patted her back to sleep. Maybe after a few more nights without me she would give up feeding at night completely, ....very tempting but its amazing how much joy it gives me to continue breastfeeding her. No matter how much I might seem to hate waking up night after night to breastfeed her, I silently love it, every moment of it.

I didn’t manage to bring back any milk from langkawi altho I went all prepared. The hotel screwed up with my ice sheets. They was no ice at all, when I picked them up on the last day. So with a heavy heart I had to throw away all the milk. But its okay coz my supply is fine, infact better since I religiously pumped every 3-4 hours.

Alysha did not sleep at home at all. First night she was at my brother's and the second night, she told hubby " I cant sleep here without my mama. I am going to nani's ( my mom) house, and off she went getting my mom to pick her up and all, lol.

Managed to take last Thursday off and took the kids to the park in the morning and Mines Wonderland in the evening. The boat ride was really nice. We had a good time, only that when we went to the ice world/land, there was no snow. It was -10 degrees and the only thing they had was ice carvings. No more ice skating ring too. very disappointing for Alysha. Thanks God there was the train ride and the inflated octopus to cheer her up after that. Anyway I plan to write them a letter soon coz' their website still goes on and on about snow and ice skating....very misleading.

Weekend was tiring with Inarah down with a throat infection and Alysha is in this whining and screaming mode now a days. She just does not know how to deal with her feelings except to cry and whine and scream. I and trying to deal with it very calmly hoping its a phase that will go away altho my patience is wearing thin. cant wait for school to start.

Alysha got a very nice medal for her good work in religious class yesterday and she did so well yesterday in a performance. She also got wondeful comments in her perfromance record. I was so proud of her, my baby is growing up.

Lost more to post but works calling

till later

Dhoom2

2006-11-24T11:57:00.000+08:00

I have been trying to take take time out to watch some movies with hubby. We watched Casino Royale over the weekend. I really like this Bond. So Sean Conory like. Machoism Personified. He was oozing with it. Yum!

I loved Dhoom and cant wait to watch Dhoom2. Its playing , so for those who are looking for weekend entertainment. Go catch it. I am going with hubby on Sunday.

Incentive for guys : Aiswariya Rai in bikini ( hope they don't chop off the scenes)

Incentive for ladies : Abhishek Bachan (he is yummy in anything that he wears)

cant wait!

The tickets are here

2006-11-24T10:17:00.000+08:00

I just got them and its finally sinking in that I will be leaving my kids behind for 3 days, 2 nights. I am off to Langkawi for work next Friday.

The freezer is stoked up with enough milk for Inarah.
I have purchased what I need to to bring back the milk that I will express in Lankawi.
I have been mentioning it again and again to Alysha so that she gets used to it and so I get used to the idea too.
I have asked for help from my brother and sister in law to take Alysha out so that she is not couped up at home when I am away. She will also possibly stay over at their place for a night.
Hubby is supposed to be free of appointments on the 3 days (most importantly in the monrong and nights).

What else?

Alysha's bithday is on Wednesday, the 29th and I have taken leave the day before (afternoon) and the day before (morning- have a meeting in the afternnon that I cant cancel).
I am also off on Thurday so that I can spend some time with them.

What else?

I have never left Inarah alone without me at night before. With ALysha I was away once only after she turned 2. Anyone who have left their 4 year old and 10 month old for a trip somewhere before, please let me have your suggestions. What can I do to make this easier for them and I think more so for me?. I am already in tears thinking about being away from them.

School Holidays

2006-11-24T09:48:00.000+08:00

Every working mom I have spoken to is cracking her head about school holdidays and how to keep their children occupied. Well, I think if you have a 8 year and above kid, maybe its not so bad. The kid might be able to entartain herself quite abit. I am guessing here. Will only know when Alysha turns 8. But when you have a 4 year old child at home with a 10 month old baby. The baby becomes the only entertainment for the child and that can be difficult and possibly dangerous if you dont keep an eye on the baby all the time.

My plans for the holidays :

1. Barbie live show @ 1Utama (I dont know how Alysha talked me into it but I am going on a saturday afternoon, Oh God! save me)
2. Mines Wonderland probably early December (With Sri & Gitanjali). This was supposed to be her birthday treat but might have to push it to early December. She has been waiting to play with snow and is all geared up to go with her winter clothing which I have to borrow from somewhere.
3. Megakidz@ Midvalley - probably on her birthday
4. Day trip at some beach in Sepang, yay! This is for me as well (with Sri & Gitanjali)
5. I want to go to Penang again
6. Then there will be Christmas and putting up the Christmas tree, shopping mall christmas decorations, christmas shopping, Santa clause, Santarinas, etc, etc

The other usual stuff that will keep her occupied would be the usual
1. Swimming at my moms condo pool, at least 2 x a week after work (she loves swimming)
2. The park on Sunday mornings
3. Craft, painting, play dough, some new Barbie cds

So what else ? Ideas please.

A House for Hermit Crab

2006-11-21T11:24:00.000+08:00

I know, I know. This blog is fast becoming a book review blog for pre schoolers but what to do, I love these books and so does Alysha and I just want to share how wonderful they are.

This is another one of Alysha's favorite. Its by Eric Carle.

Time to move," said Hermit Crab one day. "I've grown too big for this little shell." Alysha usually reads this line, then I have to continue.

Its a book for children who dread change--whether the new shell is a new home, a new school, or a new experience. In the story Hermit Crab looks out for a newer, bigger shell, but it seems very " plain" Then he meets some beautiful, swaying sea anemones, he asks if one of them will come to decorate his home and one agrees. In time a colorful starfish, some corals, a snail, sea urchins and lantern fish all decide to live in his home, each one helpful in their own special way.

An then, suddenly after a year (yes, it also teaches the child, the months in a year) he finds he's outgrown his shell yet again. Instead of being sad, he spots a newer, bigger shell and cant wait to start decorating it and making it his new home.

But before he leaves he comes across a smaller Hermit crab looking for a home and gets him to promise to look after his home and friends.

Alysha knows all the sea creatures in the book well and this is the first time she is introduced to the Hermit Crab.

An absolutely lovely book!

Inarah's favorite book

2006-11-20T13:41:00.000+08:00

This is Inarah's favorite book. I kow it by heart because it was also Alysha's first and favorite book.

In this bedtime book, a baby sails a sea of sleep--rumpled sheets--in an infant-sized boat in front of an Easter-egg purple starred sky.

This is how it goes :

Baby's boats a silver moon, sailing in the sky, sailing over a sea of sleep till the starts flat by, Sail baby sail, out upon the sea, only dont forget to sail back again to me. Baby's fishing for a dream fishing near and far, her line a silver moonbeam is her bait a silver star. Sail baby sail out upon the sea only don't foreget to sail back again to me.

Apparently its is poetry that has been repeated through generations of parents and babies.

I will usually place this book and "Goodnight Moon" both the books somewhere around her in bed and just have to say " Baby's boat is a silver moon sailing in the sky" and she will start looking around for the book, she will pick it up and start flipping the pages.

I guess its never too early to have a favorite book.

It's Time for School, Stinky Face

2006-11-20T13:16:00.000+08:00

Alysha has been picking this book out to read for the past 3 nights. This is another one of Lisa Mc Court's book. I love her "I love you, Stinky Face" and Alysha knows it by heart.

Its about this imaginative little boy who is not at all sure about going to school, and he has a whole bunch of questions for his mom. What if the school bus gets a flat tire? What if he gets lost and ends up in the principle's office? What is the door to the class gets stuck with glue? And what if all the desks start flying around the classroom?

His mother responses with real cool imaginative solutions which are so funny. Alysha loves the part about the door getting stuck and how his mom gets him a pogo stick and he "Boings" right into the class.

It ends with how his teacher forgets how to tell a story and the boy needs to tell a story and his mama says " I know you will do just fine, stinky face".

Its an okay book as far as I am concerned but maybe Alysha likes it quite abit. I suppose because it reminds her of school and funny things that can actually happen in school but I suppose she too knows it the probability isnt much. But she feels that she might need to tell a story in school one day ( maybe she has been asked before) and she knows she will be able to. She told me so!

Since we are on story and story books. Alysha is known in school and in religious class for not being able to wait to know what happens in a story, i.e how the story ends. I suppose any other person would too. Ms Lily once told me that she told a story from the book. The tin soldier or something? and since it was time to go back she said she would continue the story tomorrow. But thats surely not an option for Alysha and she told the teacehr she needs to know what happens and so the teacher lent her the book and I had to read the rest of the story for her at home the very same day.

Same thing happened in religious class where her teacher had to finish the story about "The Prophert Muhamed and the unkind women" after class because she just had to know how it ended. My curious little baby!

Well, dont they say "a curious mind is an intellegent mind" or something along those lines.

CDH and support group in Malaysia

2006-11-20T12:16:00.000+08:00

Firstly, some promising new research being done with amniotic stem cells. This research could mean big improvements in treating congenital heart valve defects in newborns. Got this from Sophia's dad. Thanks Michael.

Here is a link to an article in the Washington Post.

And here is a link to the Associated Press coverage from the meeting.

One thing that I feel really sad about is that here in Malaysia we lack support group for CDH families. I have to fall back on support groups that are in other parts of the world. They are great but sometimes I wish there was something closer to home. Parents I could meet to share experiences to to just listen to when one needs to talk. I would love to meet the brave little children with CDH who have gone through surgery or who are about to go through surgery.

For now, I wouldnt even know where to start if I wanted some contacts in Malaysia except for the one or two that I already know through friends. I guess the only place to meet them here is at the hospital when they visit their cardiologist.

I am never too busy for you, baby

2006-11-16T10:09:00.000+08:00

Alysha's birthday falls on 29 Nov which is during the school holidays. She has been asking me for months when will she be cutting her cake in school like all her friends. So I decided to celebrate her birthday on the last day of school, which is tomorrow. There will be a party in school anyway and childern will be in their part dresses so it will be really nice.

I prepared all the party packs and odered her cake. This amazing strawberry cream cake that I discovered in Maju Junction, yum. I got gifts for all her teachers.

There is this shop in Mid Valley called Hinode. Its just amazing. I wanted to buy the whole shop. Everything is RM5 and the things they sell is very different from the other RM5 shops, which I dont really like. But this was great. Got a Barbie bag and a glitter paint set for Aysha all for RM5. And lovely gifts for her teachers also at RM5. Go check it out!

Last night, when I was putting her to bed, she said :
"mama, do you have a lot of work on the day i will be celebrating my birthday in school?"
I sort of knew what she was getting at, so I said "No, why?"
"Can you and papa come to school and cut my cake with me?"

I had not planned to be there actually and I dont know if they allow parents to be there. Its usually just the kids. I had planned to just drop of the cake and the party packs and let the teacher take care of the rest.

So I said " I dont think I can come, its only your friends who are invited.
"No, some of my friend's mama and papa come for the party"
"Okay, lets check with Ms. Lily, if it is okay for us to come, mama and papa will love to be there"

I was very sad after that. My poor baby actually thought that I would not be part of the party because I had to work.

I took her in my arms and said " mama is usually very busy at work but remember you are always more important than nama's work, always. Mama will always be here for you, isyaallah (She knows that it means God willing as I often use this word to tell her that at the end of the day, its all in God's hands)

She smiled and said " you too are my bestest sweetie and I will also always be there for your birthday party"

Although it broke my heart to think that she thought I had my work as my priority, in a way I was glad that she realises that the world does not revolve around her. Mama and papa have got other important things to do, like work.

Those who know me will know that work has never been my priority. My life are my 2 kids and I would give anything to be with them all the time. But I need to work coz I am the breadwinner in the family. I just hope that I am never too busy for times when she really needs me to be with her.

And I will surely be at the party tomorrow, insyaallah!

Now which class?

2006-11-09T09:40:00.000+08:00

Choices, choices, choices. Decisions, decisions, decisions. This becomes a major part of life when you ahve kids. They may not be life changing decisions but are non the less important to my child and may determine whether she will be happy or not in school for the next one year at least.

After deciding which school to enroll her into, now is which class for next year. Alysha's current teacher is just great. She is just so sensitive to Alysha's feelings and is very patient about the fact that she still cries once a while when I drop her to school.

For next years (4-5 year olds) I have a choice of 3 classes. One is a Chinese medium class which I have decided not to go for. She will still have mandarin classes in the other 2 classes. This class is more for children who are planning to go to a Chinese medium school. They emphasis as much on writing in Chinese as they do on reading.

The 2 other classes have different teachers.

Class No 1
One is an old timer.. She has been there for like 20 years. She is a little sticky about discipline. I say sit, you sit or else.....She indicated that she has adapted well to todays style of teaching. At the same time I realized that she focused a lot on learning. Learning to read in a very structured way, learning to write - the proper strokes, curves, etc. I know that with her, Alysha will be able to read and write well by the end of next year. But with her, the apples on the trees have to be red or green "because they have to depict reality, the real world".

What would she do if Alysha decides to make them colorful?, which she most likely would. I don’t know, punish her maybe, I am only guessing here. Or she may not like Alysha very much then.
Alysha would make them even more colorful if you insisted that they should be green or red. Yes! that’s my daughter.

Class No 2
In the other class, there is a younger teacher. She came over from another pre school recently after the new principle came in, also from the same school. The end game is the same. At the end of the year, she to aims for her children to be able to read and write but she is not too structured in how she wants to do it. Alternatively you could say,, she is not to sure on how she wants to do it. A little more laid back, this one. May not get upset or push the child if a child decides not to read or write on any particular day. Whereas the other one I know will insist and try harder.

Alysha may not be able to read and as well as she would if she was in class no 1 but she may be halfway there.

Oh! the apples on the tree must also be green or red but if Alysha decides to make them colorful, my guess is she may be cajoled into coloring them read or green. If it still does not work, she may be left to do what she wants.

Now, the deciding factor. Alysha has 4 close friends in the current class. Sonia, Christie, Venesa and Reshmi. She does not like boys! maybe just Sri Ram and Sonia's brother - cant remember his name. Three out of the 4 frinds are going to class no 2.

Should this be the deciding factor? Will she be miserable if none of her friends were in her class? Very likely.

So is it now obvious which class?

The Way I Feel - Book Review

2006-11-08T16:22:00.000+08:00

Read this to ALysha last night. After reading "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", I decided to get this book because its suppose to helps kids describe their emotions and understand that feelings are a normal part of life.

It describes various feelings : happy, sad, frustrated, bored, angry, jealous, excited and many more. Its lovely coz Alysha can relate to it. She would say something like : "I feel proud too when I can dress myself" or "I get upset when you dont let me have a lollipop".

When I read the verse below :

I’m frustrated because I can’t do it.It’s hard and I want to cryI don’t know whether to give it upor to give it another try.” She would immediately say that she should give it another try like how she tried and tried and now she can put on her shoes by herself.

It ends with : “Feelings come and feelings go. I never know what they’ll be. Silly or angry, happy or sad—They’re all a part of me!”

Another great book !

Surgery options

2006-11-06T11:15:00.000+08:00

We visited one of Suben's uncle last night. This is the first time he met Inarah. She was just great with them. So friendly, of course trying to grab everything in sight including vases, all the little fragile decorative items in the house. But they were so wonderful with her. She loved their dogs and kept wanting to kiss her.

Uncle then started talking about her surgery. In my mind, surgery is still far away but of course the way time is flying by its not. They also had another visitor who was a doctor and is a visiting cardiologist in UH once a week. She was a practitioner in India and is now based here.

All of them were of the opinion that we should explore getting Inarah's surgery done in India. the doctors there are the experts of the experts, their medical equipments are the latest and the best technology wise. And it is much cheaper. Uncle mentioned something about Appolo Hospital and some other , cant remember the name now. The doctors do cases like TOF and TGA on a regular basis compared to over here where the good doctors are limited. And we do know that Malaysia is not the greatest place for the best medical equipment and that is why doctors will wait as long as possible at least till the child is 8-10kgs to do complete repair as they don't have the post op facilities as they do in other western countries.

I am now confused. I am wondering whether I should explore this possibility. I know the surgeon in Gleanegles (who was previously from IJN) have done TOF and other complicated surgeries before. I have heard that if I decide to do it at IJN I have to be very careful and selective of the surgeon that will do the surgery and its not easy to get a particular surgeon unless you are in the position to pull some strings. That is why in our minds we know its probably going to be Gleanegles.

Now with the possibility of India,I really don't know. If I do decide that this is a possible option I have to start doing some research. But is it really an option? I am working. Its a new job. I now can get a month or two off from work. If its going to be in India, that may not be enough? What about post surgery follow up? What about complications after surgery if we are already back then. Will I have to fly down again and again? In cases of emergency would it be a problem for the doctors here since the surgery was not done by them?

I really dont know now ? Any ideas?

A Grand Old Tree

2006-11-06T09:55:00.000+08:00

A Grand Old Tree by Mary Newell Depalma.

Once there was a grand old tree, whose roots sank deep into the earth and whose arms reached high into the sky. Every spring the grand old tree flowered and bore cherries for the squirrels and birds that made their homes in her leafy branches. And every year, seeds from the tree scattered in the wind, along with many millions of leaves. And lots of baby trees are grow when that happens.

Over the years, she basks in the sun, bathes in the rain, sways in the breeze and dances in the wind until she can sway and dance no more. Soon she becomes very very old. Her branches no longer swayed and danced. Her branches crumble and finally she fells and snow gently covered her. The tree dies. The dead tree continues to provide shelter to for its a house for raccoons and centipedes. But eventually it disintegrates into the soil enriching the soil.

Then they show how the baby trees, "the grand children of the Grand Old Tree grow into strong tall trees and how they then become all that the Grand Old Tree was and how its all a cycle. A cycle of life.

I read this book to Alysha last night. Its truely a great book. She had so many questions about it. This is the first time I read the word "die" from a book. And I paused. She just stared at me and looked a bit sad.

I know she has heard the word die before and I have mentioned how someone had died. I ahve explained to her that it basically means that the person goes back to Allah for good because that's where we all came from. She had once mentioned to me, she does not want to go back. She likes it here.

A smile appeared back on her face when the baby tree grows. She was so happy that it was not the end of the tree. I don't know what else was running on her mind but this is a great book to just introduce the concept of the cycle of life to children. I didn't want to push the discussion too much and just answered all her questions as best as I could. I bet we will continue to have a discussion over it when I read it to her again.

Great book! Loved it.

UNO for kids

2006-11-02T12:29:00.000+08:00

All of you who have children above the age of 4 (although on the pack of cards it says 3 and above), you should go and get a pack of UNO for kids. I bought mine a year ago and since they are made of Pooh and Tiger character, Alysha used to just look at them and play with them in her own way.

Last night, she took out the pack from the drawer and I thought maybe she is old enough to play it now following all the rules. And she LOOOOVED it. She couldn't get enough. Of course I had to look at her cards and keep guiding her and explaining the rules again and again. She just didn't want to stop playing until it was way pass bedtime. I think we played around 15 games.

Initially she wanted more and more cards and was upset when she won coz she had no more cards and could not continue playing anymore until the next game. Every time she got a wild card, she would scream and jump with joy. It was just great watching her play and learn.

Great game for kids. I bet we are playing again tonight.

Leaving the kids behind

2006-11-01T11:55:00.000+08:00

I have a Company conference to attend in Langkawi from 1-3rd of December. Its a conference that my department is organizing as a secretariat to the organization. Its in Andaman and I have to be away for 3 days and 2 nights.

I just don't know how I am going to do this. Being away from Inarah and Alysha. I am not ready to give up breastfeeding exclusively ( although its very tempting considering the low milk supply) so I have to start stocking up for the trip. I lost all my stock in the freezer when I went to Ipoh for the Deepavali Holidays and so I have to start from zero.

Lost of preparation to do. Buying the cooler bag and the ice brick and ice pack and having the determination to pump every 3-4 hours. Its will be challenging but I am going to do it.

But firstly I have to work hard at bringing my milk supply up and getting enough stock for the trip. I really have to thank MMB for the continuous encouragement and advise. If moms who have to travel overseas for 17 days away from their babies can do it, then so can I.

My only concern is whether Inarah will be okay at night. Will she take the bottle at night? Will she let hubby put her back to sleep? Will she cry and cry and cry? Just the thought of that is breaking my heart into pieces. Hubby assures me that he will be around most of the time so that she does not miss me too much.

Will she continue to breastfeed when I am back? Will she reject my McB? I sure hope not.

I am going to start making all the soups and eating oats and fenugreek and everything else to try and get my supply up.

Wish me luck!

Inarah....at almost 10 months

2006-10-31T17:07:00.000+08:00

My baby is down again with a flu. I rushed to her pediatrician yesterday night coz her cough sounded really bad with lots of phlegm. She has lots 3 grams over 2 weeks and that really worries me. It’s even more important in her case that she puts on weight consistently. She is 8.3kgs now. I am hoping that she will be around 12 kg’s when they decide to do the surgery. She hasn’t been eating very well as well. Its just so different with her compared to Alysha. With Alysha I had no issues with food. She just ate everything I made. Inarah is so fussy with food. Most of the time we have to trick her into eating. She loves water and so we just keep saying, water, water and she opens her mouth wide. Of course after realizing it’s a spoonful of porriage she almost screams but surprisingly they must really have a short memory as she opens her mouth wide again when she hears’ water, water”

It was so sad to leave her behind today. I have been on leave for 3 days due to my brothers wedding and so both of them have been having me all to themselves. Specially Inarah. So in the morning when I left for work, it was very difficult for her and me. She just wanted to be in my arms and kept putting her head on my shoulder as I held her close.

On a brighter note, her pead says she is growing well for her age and condition. She is not strong enough to hold on and stand on her own but keeps trying to get on her feet. She crawls with one knee and one feet which was a concern for hubby and me but her pead says , some kids do that for a while.

The other concern I have is milk. That is my breast milk. It’s been more and more difficult to keep up with her milk intake. I barely get 3-4 ounces overtime pump. Sometime as little as 2oz. Its just so tiring. I have to pump so many times a day to have just enough for her next days feed. It’s so tempting to start supplementing with formula. But I really want to exclusively breastfeed until she is one at least. It’s really not so much the nutritional value of the milk but rather the bonding process. When she is at my breast, you should see the look on her face. She looks at me with those eyes that say that she wants to be there for ever and ever. She is so calm and peaceful when she feeds.

She is a very intelligent child, you can tell. She understands a lot of what we say and shows us by doing what we tell her to do. Like sleep (she will put her head on the pillow), belly button (she will lift her top), her ears (she touches them), she raises both her hands in the air when we say hooray, she waves bye bye. She waves both hands like a butterfly when I sing the butterfly song. She will try to comb her hair when you hand her a comb. She will try and write on a paper when you hand her a pencil (thanks to Alysha) She opens and closes her palm when we sing twinkle twinkle little star. She knows all of us by how we call ourselves, papa, mama, ben (elder sister), kaka, nana, nani. She indicates she wants something by pointing her hand towards it.

She has started opening cupboards to dig out things, she can open a book when you hand her one. She knows 2 books very well already. Her favorite baby’s Boat and Goodnight Moon.

She also has a fierce temper and screams at you when you upset her. Like when her sister refuses to share something with her or when she is frustrated with something he can’t manage.
And she just LOOOOOVES to dance. You don’t even need music. Just sing a rhythm or hum a tune and her body just starts moving, she will move her hands in the air as well if someone else is dancing with her. She loves her sister. She could be very upset and crying but the minute she sees Alysha , there is this smile on her face that I don’t even see when she looks at me.

She makes us all so happy. She is truely as her name means " A light in the darkness"

Oh my baby. We are just so happy and lucky to have you. You have brought us so much joy in such a short time. Mama loves you soooo much

My not too sociable little girl.

2006-10-31T15:47:00.000+08:00

A few weeks ago I had bloged about Alysha having a great vocabulary, is very loving, considerate and a polite girl. However, the thing that I worry about sometimes is her social skills. She has wonderful social skills with her family and friends (a few other kids). But when it comes to others i.e. my friends, cousins, aunts, etc. she just does not socialize. No matter how hard they or I try to get her to even say her name or to greet them or to say thanks, she will not budge. She just will not speak to them. But otherwise she is the chattiest kid I know.

I always felt like I failed in some way here. Maybe I was too protective as a mom when she was younger. Maybe I should have has many more people around when she was younger.

Today I read a post that makes me feel so much better. Don’t know if it’s true but if it is, it explains a lot for her behavior.

I have been reading http://daycaredaze.blogspot.com/ for a while now. She is a nanny who has years of experience looking after kids of all breeds and ages. I absolutely this post.

Take a kid chock-full of extroverted genes, throw her in with a bunch of new faces every day, and you get a kid who rises to the stimulation, giggling and interacting, smiling and playing. She thrives on it.

“A-ha!” say proud parents. “Our strategy is working! Look at our outgoing, socially competent child!” They believe it’s their manipulation of her environment, their training, which has produced this social prodigy.

Not convinced? Picture the other side of the coin. Take a kid chock-full of introverted genes, throw her in with a bunch of new faces every day, and do you get a socially skilled kid who thrives on lots of interaction? No, you get a kid who is overwhelmed, nervous, clingy, unhappy, even terrified. The constant barrage of social stimulation is too much for her. Why? Because she’s not an extrovert.

This is not to disparage the significance of parents. For those first years, you are the single most important relationship in your child's life. Even as they gain independence and autonomy, parents are still very important to their children. But we're not omnipotent. There is a limit to parental impact, influence, significance.You can give children skills, and you can hope they learn to apply them, but those skills are always superimposed upon their base character. Bottom line: no matter what your parenting skills, you can’t you cannot turn a child into something they’re not.”

My mom is an introvert. She does not have many friends and is usually the quiet one in a crowd and so is my dad. I am like that too to some extent and maybe that’s just why Alysha is the way she is.

I’d like to think that its nothing that I have done or not done that has resulted in her not being such a sociable person. And if Inarah turns out to be any different it’s all because of my husband’s genes.

Fever's down...all set to go

2006-10-19T07:55:00.000+08:00

Inarah's fever is down. I slept well last night after 3 days of very little sleep. I am so glad it was just a throat infection.

We are all set to go to Ipoh for Deepavali and will be back on Sunday fro Hari Raya. Was packing till 1 am last night. When you travel with kids,you can never take enough.

To all friends and fellow mommy bloggers. Happy Deepavali, Selamat Hari Raya and Happpy Holidays.

May you have a wonderful time with your loved ones.

Fever still there

2006-10-18T10:07:00.000+08:00

38.3 the last I checked this morning and she has been sleeping alot. I am panicking already.

My poor sick baby

2006-10-17T16:07:00.000+08:00

Inarah has been having fever for the past 2 days and its just not going off. Initially she was just a little warm. And since she is teething ( all 4 at once) I thought it was just that. But the fever keeps coming back the minute the effect of the paracetamol starts going off. And its really high fever. Last night it was 38.5 and she was hot really hot in my arms. I would have rushed to A & E but for the fact that 1/2 hour after the paracetamol the fever started coming down.

Also yesterday I saw 2 mozie bites on her thigh. So a mom like me would just think of the worse.

Took her to the pead this morning who thinks it would be a throat infection coz its slightly red. But she has never had such high fever even with infections previously. Even he looked a little worried.

He prescribed some paracetamol, antibiotics and phenegan. If by Thursday morning if it does not subside then he has asked to come in for a review which may include a blood test for dengi.

Its just scary when you are holding a child who feels not warm but hot against your body. Very scary. She also threw up a couple of times because of the fever and looks so tired. Just not her normal chatty self. The last time it happened was years ago when Alysha had a ear infection.

I just hope its nothing. Please let it be nothing but just a throat infection. Please, please, please.

I feel so proud to be a mom

2006-10-12T12:43:00.000+08:00

As I was walking out from Alysha's class this morning. You could see it on my face. I was beaming from ear to ear.

I don't usually drop Alysha off as I have go get to work early. Hubby drops her off. So I don't really get to speak to the teacher much. Today hubby was out of town and so I left really early to drop her off.

The teacher just went on and on about what an angel Alysha is. Of course we all know that she is not an angel all the time. No kid can ever be. But the teacher was very proud of her. "She has contributed to teaching language skills in the class" she said. According to her Alysha speaks very well and many kids have picked up lots of words form her. She also has very gentle, considerate and have good manners and now is willing to share most of the time.

Of course I felt proud but I don't know why but instead of saying thanks I ended up explaining that its all because of the habit of reading. Maybe its the typical Malaysia habit of not being able to take a compliment gracefully.

I have been reading to her since she was a child and till today I have to read her at least 2 book every night before bed. All the reading has not only given her an amazing vocabulary but also she is very knowledgeable about many things for a 4 year old.

For instance, her teacher gets very amused when she says she wants to be an astronaut coz she wants to reach the skies and touch the stars. This is from one of the books where elmo is in an astronaut suit. Books are so wonderful. And she has the most amazing collection of books for a kid.

Anyway, she went on saying how the up bringing of the child makes such a difference. Clearly she is getting a good foundation at home. She has seen many working mothers who neglect their children and work late. They rush off to work even without giving their kids a hug in the morning when they drop them off, etc, etc.

I felt so good. Being a juggler (you know what I mean), work, home, kids, husband, what else ??? is surely not easy. But I have been trying so hard to spend most of the time I have left after work with Alysha and have been managing well so far. Of course I have to give credit to my mom and my maid coz they are with her most of the time. Although my mom has a different style of parenting and often there is conflict between us because of it but she has learn to adjust to my style as much as she can. Same applied to my Suryani, my maid.

Must also give credit to hubby for learning to be a better parent and not screaming away like he used to.

My only fear is that with 2 kids now, I hope she will not regress in any way as I don't have as much time to spend with her anymore.

But then there is also this concept of benign neglect. I read a wonderful post on it and will posting my thoughts and experience on it soon.

Till then

Reminder of the Inevitable

2006-09-29T13:12:00.000+08:00

We went to see Dr Lim Min Kang, Inarah’s pead cardiologist for her check up yesterday. “She is doing well” he said. It was so nice to hear that. He did the echo for what appeared to me to be the longest echo he had done. The last time she had an echo, she was 5months old and it was a breeze. She was so cooperative. This time aound it was so different. She hated it and was just wailing away until her lips turned slightly purplish. He had to do his job. It’s important to know the exact measurements of her arteries and the hole and everything else. She was looking at me while I held her hands down begging me with her eyes to carry her and hold her close to me and take it all away but I couldn’t do anything.

I was just thinking then, this is how helpless I am going to feel during the surgery. She will be in pain, frightened, confused and will want me to make it better but I won’t be able to do a single thing.

After the echo, I held her close and breastfed her for a while until she was okay. Dr. Lim started printing out pictures and explaining her status. I tried hard to concentrate but deep down I was hoping he will say things like “great, the hole is closed and the valve is not as narrow, so we don’t need an open heart surgery.” Or something like “she will be fine with a heart cath”. I was waiting for anything but the inevitable fact that she will be cut open for the surgery and will be put on a by-pass.

There was some good news though, This is the layman’s version of what he said. His assessment of the echo is that the pulmonary valve is not too narrow. They will cut open it a little but the patch that they need to put in to open the valve need not cut though the whole valve. It may be suffice to just have the patch at the opening of the valve. This constitutes 80% repair which is better than 100% where the patch goes though the whole valve. In the 100% repair scenario, the possibility of a leak is always there which may result in a 2nd surgery to repair/replace the valve. But all this is just an assessment based on the echo. This surgeon will do what’s necessary based on what he sees during the surgery.

This trip was traumatizing for me as it made me realize how close we are to surgery. She is 8.3kg. which is okay but she is not progressing at the same percentile. This is expected as babies with her condition grow at a slower pace. 8kgs is when they can do the surgery and she is already there. He says the only reason to wait is to make it less traumatic for her, How less traumatic can it be, really? Anyway, his opinion is when she turns one it would be a right time to consider doing it. I rather wait till she is 1 ½ . Infact I rather wait for as long as it can wait.

Dr Lim says too long a wait is not good as the TOF itself might create some complications. from myu research, there is increasing evidence that early repair of congenital heart anomalies minimizes secondary damage to vital organs, particularly of the heart itself, the lungs, and the brain

What does all of this mean? It means that its almost here. She will be 1 in 4 months and then we have to prepare ourselves for surgery. I am already a wreak thinking about it. How am I going to survive this?

Its been tooo long

2006-09-22T16:28:00.000+08:00

Its been way too long since I blogged. I have to blame it on my new job. Yes, I have a new job and thats the main reason I have been away.

I am barely 15 days into the job but things have been sooo busy. After 5 years of being at Watson Wyatt, it feels like I have changed not only houses and a neighborhood but moved to another country. Everything feels so alien and it will take me some time to get used to.

My girls are doing great. Alysha has been a sweety pie despite the occasional tantrums and Inarahwho is almost 8 months now just have to smile and wave (she actually does a little Hawain dance with her hands) to make my worries all go away.

Hubby's gone into some new part time business and so has been very busy. We really need some couple time together. Must try do something this weekend.

I have got lots of pictures from my trip to Penang (when I was between jobs). It was a wonderful trip. Will post them as soon as I can.

Meanwhile we finally have a picture of Alysha and Gitanjali which I stole from Sri's blog and am posting it below.

Looking forward to a great weekend with my 2 girls who I miss sooooooo much.

Have a great weekend everyone.

My baby is growing ....Part 2

2006-08-02T10:27:00.000+08:00

I had forgotten how wonderful it is to have a baby. Newborns are newborns, they cry, are colicy, demand for McB all the time and sleep most of the time. But once the baby reaches the 4 month, 5 month and especially 6 month milestone. Its just wonderful.

Being with Inarah now is just great. She showers me with smiles and giggles all the time. She is babling away as well. I just love hugging, cuddling and kissing her. I try very hard to let her go when I am at home as I need to spend some time with her elder sister as well.

I am a full time working mom and she spend most of the time with the maid and my mom. Its a wonderful feeling when she just wants me to carry her and refuses to go to anyone else from my arms. The bond that is between her and me is of course of a mother and child but also very much because I am breastfeeding her. I love being a mother and I love breastfeeding my baby becuase it is so rewarding

She sits well without suppport now and tries to grab at anything that is at sight and put it in her mouth. She has lots of toys which she likes banging together. Her favorite are of course, the Astro and TV remote and my handphone. She can roll over but only does it occassionally when she feels like it. She swims and can do a 360 degree turnaround.

She claps when she hears a familiar song being sung. She loves the sight of her papa, sister, nani and nana. The minute Alysha comes close to her or speaks to her she just smiles and laughs and wants to grab her and not let go. She cant get enough of her.

She hates being in the car seat and wails most of the time. She wails even more when she sees me driving or hears my voice as she wants to be in my arms.

She has started eating. Sweet potato, pears, apples, spinach, avocado, peas, rice cereal and oats. She loves it all. Surprisingly she dislikes banana.

Six months have flown by since I gave brth to the little girl and its been wonderful and I am loving every moment of it.

Some of her pitcures taken a month ago.

Baby Samson

2006-07-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

I have been following baby samson's surgery that happened a few days ago but never got the chance to blog about it. He is another strong kid who went through an open heart to do a Glenn procedure. His condition is slightly different from that of Sophia and Inarah.He has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. His mom Erika, knew about his condition when she was pregnant with him. Must have been such a terrifying time for her. Its wonderful to know that he is doing okay after his surgery although he has more surgeries to come. I, for one believe that when the world prays together, the power of the prayer and the positive energy that is derived from it can make things happen.
Please read his story and keep him in your prayers.

What is a Little Girl?

2006-07-20T12:05:00.000+08:00

Little girls are the nicest things that happen to people.

They are born with a little bit of angel shine about them and

though it wears thin sometimes,

there is always enough left to lasso your heart.

A little girl can be sweeter, and badder,

oftener than anyone else in the world.

A girl is innocence playing in the mud,

beauty standing on its head, and

Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.

Girls are available in five colors --

black, white, red, yellow or brown...

yet Mother Nature always manages to select

your favorite color when you place your order.

God borrows from many creatures to make a little girl.

He uses a song of a bird, the stubbornness of a mule,

the slyness of a fox, the softness of a kitten

and, to top it all off,

He adds the mysterious mind of a woman.

A little girl likes new shoes, party dresses,

small animals, dolls, make-believe,

dancing lessons, ice cream and tea parties.

She is loudest when you are thinking,

the prettiest when she provokes you,

the quietest when you want to show her off and

the most flirtatious when she absolutely

must not get the best of you again.

Who else can cause you more grief, joy, irritation,

satisfaction, embarrassment and genuine delight

than this combination of

Eve, Salome and Florence Nightingale?

Just when your patience is ready to crack,

when your dreams tumble down

and the whole world is a mess she can make you a king

when she climbs on your knee and whispers,

"I love you best of all."

I dont mind having a little girl, after a little girl, after a little girl for the rest of my life.

Two full bottles of milk

2006-07-19T14:24:00.000+08:00

Just got back from picking Alysha from school and dropping her off to my mom's. After her lunch, I was on the bed playing with Inarah and she was beside me with her doll, Leisha. Suddenly, with a very serious tone she went :
"Mama, I forgot to pump, Oh no! Leisha has no milk to drink. She is hungry. "
"But why do you need to pump, when you are around, just feed her from your breast, that's what mama does when she does not go to work."
"Nooooooo, I have sooooo much work to do, I must feed her, then when she is full I must do work. Please look after her I have to go and pump."

Shoots off and comes back in 10 seconds

"Leisha I have 2 full bottles of milk, you know. Two bottles. You will be very full. "

LOL, I had to try sooooo hard not to crack up. Such a drama queen she is, my little 31/2 year old.
I wanted to say only if it was sooo easy to get 2 full bottles of milk, but didn't want to spoil her excitement of having hat 2 full bottles

Yes, we did have a Sports Day

2006-07-10T15:19:00.000+08:00

Like, Sri (who finally did blog about it). I completely forgot to blog about Alysha's Sports Day. So for those who want details, check out Sri's blog.

All I can remember about it was that I was trying to stay away so that Alysha wouldn't run to me. I was worried that she wouldnt participate as she was supposed to but she did just fine. Infact after the bean bag on the head thing for which her team won a gold medaol (my baby's first gold medal), she wanted to participate in the father daughter hairstying competition. Hubby did ussupprisingly proud as they won the first prize even for this one. It was great. I loved it, the March, the hand show, the teachers, the effort they put in to make this perfect, the kids, the food, gitanjali who was soooo funny, the works. I loved it. It was soooo much fun.

Enjoy the pictures!

The March. Oh! did I not mention they all had a special T shirt just for this day

Thats Gitanjali in the sip the Vitagen game

Thats Sri, trying to get Gitanjali back

Thats Ms. Anna, Gitanjali's teacher holding on to her so that she does not run away again

Alysha with her friends with the bean bag before the bean bag run

Alysha with her Gold medal

Papa, the hairstylist

And the winners are Alysha and her Papa

Alysha and Mama

Alysha and her nani

Alysha and papa with the 1st prize

Alysha and papa sharing ice cream after the event

A bald baby, finally

2006-07-10T14:50:00.000+08:00

We have been wanting to shave Inarah for the longest time. Well, not really but since she turned 5 months. She just turned 6 and thank God hubby was free over the weekend. We took off to Batu Caves early and the shop, barber, Andy's was already so crowded. I panicked a little as all I could hear were babies crying. Inarah was already asleep in the sarong by the time we reached and I was hoping that she would sleep through. She didn't but didn't cry at all. It was so good. I am so glad I went to Batu caves rather then getting a barber at home like we did with Alysha. But then like Sri said, it all really depends on the child.

So here we have it finally, a bald cutie baby. Enjoy the pictures.

Oh, how I can forget to mention that Alysha was such a wonderful big sister. She saw a baby being shaved and the parents kept talking to the baby to distract him and to stop him from crying. She immediately came to me and told me :" see mama, this is what you shuld do so that Inarah does not cry". And the sweet child kept talking to her throughout.

This was just before Batu Caves. As you can see she didnt have much hair to begin with. So all the more a reason of wanting to shave her

She woke up as he was shaving but was very quiet. Here she is looking at Alysha who is trying to keep her entertained

My bald baby. God! Dont I look tired.

Inarah and hubby

Look at those eyes!!

Horrible car ride

2006-07-07T11:11:00.000+08:00

As Inarah has been okay in the car twice, I decided to drive with them back home yesterday and hubby was still working and I didn't want to get home late. The first 5 minutes was okay then it was horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Alysha and me tried everything, the rattle, music, talking to her but nothing worked. She just wailed and wailed. I stopped at least 5 times and took her out, nursed her, tried o put her to sleep so that I can put her back in the car seat and just drive home but she kept waking up and wailing everytime I put her in the car seat.

Finally, I gave up and drove with her in my arms whilst nursing her with my hazard lights on. Alysha was asleep by this time (she didn't have an afternoon nap) and kept knocking her head on the window (which I couldn't do anything about). I finally got home and I swear I will never do this again. It was just pure torture and I was so close to tears.

Halfway through the "Suryani is Away Marathon"

2006-07-06T15:53:00.000+08:00

Yes, I am running marathon, again. Again? you say, well, technically I started when Alysha was born 31/2 years ago. Then sometime when she was 2 or 2 1/2 I slowed down and then after Inarah came into our lives, I was on full speed. After a few months, I did try and slow down.

And now, Suryani, my maid is away for a month. I really dunno how I forgot to blog about this very major thing that happened. Yup, my maid is away in Indonesia for a month and I have been maidless with 2 kids (one of which is exclusively breastfed), household chores and work for exactly 2 weeks and 2 days now.

This marathon is really different as think it has affected my health. My knee pain (supposedly mild arthritis) is back, my eyes are burning as if on fire all the time, body ache seems to be permanent and just not going away.

My day starts at like 6.30/7, I pump, shower, dress, pack (Alysha and Inarah's stuff), prepare breakfast for Alysha whilst hubby holds on to Inarah if she is already up. At this time Alysha is usually asleep. I do whatever household chores I can manage if there is some spare time.

Then I take over Inarah who by this time is hungry and tired and wake Alysha a ufor school. Shower, dress, breakfast and all (takes between 10 - 30 min depending on whether its a whinny day). We leave, (never in time) drop Alysha to school, drop Inarah to my mom's and hubby drops me off to work. We have been driving only one car as I am not comfortable driving with Inarah alone in the car although I put her in the car seat, in case she cries (we cant make her cry, remember, she might turn blue).

Only recently I started driving with Alysha and Inarah (without hubby as he needed to be in his office by 8, so he leaves the house at 7). This is a great acheivment for me. I feel so mobile suddenly as I can drive with my baby sleeping in the car seat.

Ohhh! but these are the worse days, I have to juggle Inarah and Alysha in the morning without any help, carry 3 bags 1 baby and drag and Alysha out of the house in time. I have driven twice this week with them in the car and Alysha does a good job keeping Inarah entertained for a while then we shake this particular rattle (has to be just this one, nothing else will do) and thank god Inarah falls asleep.

I carry Inarah and send Alysha to her class, get back to the car, feed Inarah, put her back in car seat, start drin=ving with practically one hand as I need to shake the rattle with the other until she falls asleep. I get to my moms, drop her off, unpack, give instructions to my mom, sister and this temp day maid that I have managed to get for a month ( I would have to quit /go on leave for 1 month if not for them). I rush off to office where I can take a breather in between pumping sessions and work.

I get back to my moms and bathe Alysha, feed Inarah and Alysha and wait for traffic to get a little better amidst all the chaos then hubby and me leave for home.

As soon as I get home, I put Inarah to sleep and then sort Alysha out. I don't have to mention that whilst I am doing this hubby is watching TV. As soon as we are home, its as if there is an sensor somewhere and the TV switches on. Hubby glues himself in front of the TV and does not get up unless I am yelling for some help. I barely have the chance to sort myself out (shower and eat something if I haven't gobbled something at my moms). I am usually asleep before my daughter sleeps off. And after waking up at least 3-4 times at night to feed Inarah, before I can feel like I have had a nights sleep, its another day again.

How do other people do it? I really need to know how is this done? what is the formula? I am surely missing it as I just cant seem to manage. I know a supermom with 3 beautiful daughters, (yes Ros I am talking about you if you happen to read my blog) who manages miraculously well whereas I am barely surviving. So all those moms out there who seem to have the formula, pls share it, Pleaseeeeeeee....

A prayer for Sophia

2006-07-06T12:03:00.000+08:00

Sophia had an open heart surgery on the 5th. For those who want to follow her story, see link under Heart Families on the right of my blog. Sophia has ToF, like Inarah, but her condition includes pulmonary atresia which is different from Inarah who has pulmonary stenosis.

This little girl has been through a bypass earlier and will be going through more bypass in the future. Although its such a common word now a days, reading up on what exactly bypass is, gave me a much clearer picture.

Just reading about the surgery brought tears into my eyes, knowing that Inarah will have to go through very much the same sometime next year.

Please pray for this brave little girl who is now in recovery, May Allah keep her well and healthy and may he give strength to her family to see this through.

In times of pain, trust God

2006-06-21T15:35:00.000+08:00

I read this somewhere yesterday and it got me to think about my trust in God.

I don't consider myself a religious person as I don't really pray everyday. I try and pray every morning as I want my daughters to understand that it is important to do so. I do go for prayers every week but then that is more so that my daughters get a good foundation. I had a good foundation and that's why today even though I don't pray everyday, I believe that my faith in God is as strong as the faith of a person who payers 3 or 5 times a day.

I was in so much pain a few months ago after I discovered that Inarah had a CHD. And I think I have survived so far living with this fact because I really do trust God. I trusted him by leaving her in his hands, to do as he deems right/necessary no matter how painful it could have been for me.

He is with me in this and has given me the wisdom and patience to see this through thus far. He has helped me by making me forget that she is a CHD child so that I can enjoy the moments that I spend with her without fear and sorrow. He has kept her well, healthy and happy (she is smiling all the time) alhamdullilah.

And in this time of happiness, I thank him. I know there will be times of pain again, times of sorrow, difficulties, all I have to do then is again trust HIM.

Naughty mama, naughty papa, naughty.....

2006-06-13T16:26:00.000+08:00

That's the new thing going around the house. Alysha going around saying naughty mama everything she gets upset with me, naughty papa, etc.

I worry sometimes whether she will resent me for all the punishment that she gets for being naughty. Sometimes I think I punish her too much and don't let her be herself. Its just that I feel she needs to realize that for every action there will be a reaction, good and bad.

Should I let her get away with scribbling in her story book (she actually got away with this one as I realized she did it solely to get my attention), or ripping up Inarah's mat on the floor, or switching off the TV when Suben is watching, or just throwing things around the house instead of the dustbin, throwing coins instead of putting it in her piggy bank, biting into her pencils, writing on the wall, hitting kakak or papa when she is upset, screaming at one of us when she is upset, ah! the list could go on and on

I know they seem very trivial (except hitting someone for which she never gets away w/o a punishment) but if I do let her get away with the rest, wont she just keep doing them again and again. On the other hand she is 3 1/2 and maybe too young to be punished for some of these things. Am I being too harsh on her?

Its so tough being a mother, being expected to do the right thing, to be firm yet loving. They don't teach any of this in any school, how would I know what to do ?

Sometimes I feel I fail so badly at motherhood.

The preferred mistress

2006-05-11T16:31:00.000+08:00

I hate it, I hate it, I just hate the way he watches TV as if no one/nothing exists. He could be doing so many other things, really; like cleaning his study (which currently looks like a store room. Nop, actually store rooms looks tidier) What about reading? which he does actually, reads the paper back to back, reads all his magazines. taking Alysha to the park, reading her a book, doing some activity with her.

But like all other mothers I have to complain that he just does not spend the free time he has with his kids, he'd rather spend it watching TV and it does not necessarily have to be any particular program, it could be anything at all, anything.

How would you turn something like that around? I have tried and have absolutely given up.

On the other hand, I also am aware that it is a lot better than him being out of the house and finding pastures new (Ahem! if you kow what I mean). So I'd rather him watch TV anytime of the day.

Below is a pic of him doing what he does best! Of course I contributed to it by bying him the easy chair for his birthday to which he sticks to like glue

This is what I would like him to do more of.

And this is his other favorite pass time. Well, at least here he somethime involves the family :)

Hooray for a Holiday

2006-05-11T10:33:00.000+08:00

Its been a hectic weekend with work and the kids. Even when I am sitting down trying to catch a breath I feel my heart racing as if still in a marathon. Need a break so badly and am getting one.

I am on leave on Monday and we have decided to go to Ipoh for the long weekend and if we are up to it drive down to Penang on Sunday. Yay!

Penang will be just great. Alysha will be overjoyed coz she'll get to go to the beach and I will end up putting on some kilos as I just love and miss Penang food.

The toufu bakar at chawrasta market, the roti chanai at agrill road, the sotong mee at padang kota, the mee soup at transfer road, the cendol at penang road, the nasi kandar, the char koay teow, I could go on and on. Now you know what I mean by putting on kilos. Its just that I dont think 1 1/2 days is enough to savour all of that but I will try my best.

Have a great weekend everyone.

My baby is growing

2006-05-09T15:22:00.000+08:00

Inarah is 4 months old now. I know it seems unfair that I have lots more to say about Alysha than Inarah but its just that Alysha does a lot more than Inarah who has found her hands and has them constantly in her mouth, her whole fist sometiems.

She is now trying to roll over, recognizes faces and usually smiles and laughs a lot when she is just up from her nap. I have been successfully breastfeeding her exclusively and this makes me very proud.

She has been well (thank you Lord). Can't wait for her to grow and acheive more milestones.

Enjoy some of the recent pictures below.

MI III

2006-05-08T17:17:00.000+08:00

Went for MI III after a long time with hubby and it was just great. Tom Cruise although aged is still yummy. Had my heart breating non stop from begining till end, the best MI so far.

Missing a friend

2006-05-08T16:45:00.000+08:00

I have always been the kind who keeps feelings and emotions bundled up inside me. I have very few close friends, a handful really. I am just not the kind who bonds easily with people I meet. It takes me a long time to open up, bond and even make friends.

And that is why I never thought Seeja and me would be friends. She was one of Suben's friends sister and she started work at my workplace 4 years ago. Over the 4 years without realising, I found a friend in her that I never thought I would. She is very different than I, in many many ways but still very similar in some. She is single, care free to some extent, charming and very trendy. I saw in her some things that I wish I was or could be.

She resigned end of April and I miss her so dearly. . She use to sit right across me and we practically talked to each other all the time. We shared a lot professionally and personally and I we have learnt a lot from each other.

I know we have the internet and the phone to keep in touch but I know its never going to be the same and that is really sad.

I miss you so much Seeja and I wish you all the best. May all your dreams come true.
Some pictures taken during her farewell lunch (dim sum, our favorite). Dim Sum lunches will never be the same again :(

Simply Alysha

2006-05-08T16:30:00.000+08:00

Storytime

2006-05-05T14:45:00.000+08:00

One day the pig went out to play see saw with the cat. Then he went home. The pig and the rabbit drank milk. Then the pig went to school. The pig was very tired so he slept on the table. The teacher came and said why are you sleeping on the table. This is not a bed, it is a school. Then it rained and rained. The pig got sick and we put him in the fridge. Then the pig slept. When he got up he is feeling better. The end.

Alysha "Is that a nice story mama?"
Mama "The nicest story I have heard in a long time"

I am truely blessed and happy

2006-04-14T17:18:00.000+08:00

Many of us think that happiness is not possible in the present moment. Most of us believe that there are a few more conditions that need to be met before we can be happy. This is why we are sucked into the future and are not capable of being present in the here and now. This is why we step over many of the wonders of life. If we keep running away into the future, we cannot be in touch with the many wonders of life -- we cannot be in the present moment where there is healing, transformation, and joy.

-- Thich Nhat Hanh

So go home and have a wonderful weekend with your loved ones and cherish each and every moment that you have with them without thinking about the future. It will bring you immence happiness.

As for me I am going home to cuddle up with Inarah and love every moment of it.
I miss Alysha and hubby though :) They have gone to Ipoh for a short holiday.

Have a great weekend !

Its all about having faith

2006-04-14T14:00:00.000+08:00

Was just reading Lilian's blog. A very touching post on Vincent, the son she lost. This woman is truely a brave and courageous mother. She inspires me and keeps giving me the courage I need to deal with Inarah's condition.

I had said earlier that I have come into terms with Inarah's condition and have accepted it as God's will. I try so hard to accept it but honestly sometimes I do question it? All the "whys" keep comming into my head. Why me? why her? why? why? why? I feel sinful to question it but I can't help it.

Does this question my faith in God? Do I doubt him in any way? No, I dont. Its just that we humans need to rationalise everything, everything that happens or that does not. It's the way we have been thought. After all science is suppose to explain these things. Also probably due to our quest for knowledge, for knowing everything that happens in this world. Its difficult to give that up and accept the fact that somethings are unexplainable and sometimes there are no answers. After all HE is not answerable to us.

I just love what LIlian had writen here and I am reminded again that I must continue to have faith and submit to the will of God

"God is not answerable to us. He doesn’t owe us an answer why one person is healed through faith and thousands of innocent people died. This is earth, earth means sufferings and hardship. That’s why God promise a Heaven.The only people that I pity are those well-learnt ones who tried so hard to reason with their human minds. It amazes me how such scholarly people, who knows the Quran, To’rah and Bible, all in one, page by page, verse by verse chosed to spent their God given mind, questioning something that no one can answer. Isn’t that such a frustrating thing to do?"

I have put my Inarah in HIS hands. She was given to me by HIM and HE shall decide if she will be with us or in HIS arms. Meanwhile I will love her with all my heart and soul and just have faith.

I am also so afraid that I am not strong enough. Not strong enough to see through the surgery and pain that my baby will feel. I am not that strong. I can just pray that he give us the strength to see this through.

How does a mother deal with it?

2006-04-07T13:26:00.000+08:00

Erin's baby just died. I have no words to describe how I feel about the whole thing. Nova had pulmunary atresia and went through a open heart surgery. Unfortunately there were many many complications. The poor boy went through a lot and fought real hard. But God decides on these things doesnt he?

I just cried my heart out in the toilet thinking about Inarah. How does a mother deal with something like this? How is she expected to deal with something like this? How?

Be strong Erin. My prayers are with you.

Here's the link for those who want to see the little boy.
http://poetic-acceptance.blogspot.com/

Would you let Fung Shui rule your life ?

2006-04-03T14:31:00.000+08:00

My brother is a believer in Fung Shui and so is my mom. My mom started believing in it from the time she was diagnosed with cancer of the womb as the guy who my brother brought home said the position of the stove is not right and someone in this house will suffer from cancer of the womb or cervix. My mom has moved out from the house since. She had her cancer op 3 1/2 years ago and is well since, Alhamdullilah.

After Inarah was diagnosed with TOF, my brother insisted that I get that guy to check the house out after CNY. I refused and we compromised and agreed that the guy will come, he will not tell me anything but inform my brother his findings and brother will pay for it (only fair). He got the guy to check out my mom’s place as well.

So that took place sometime last month. Recently my mom has been quite unwell. She has gastric and palpitation of the heart which is caused by the gastric. She is being treated by a physician.

Anyway, my mom called yesterday and said they are moving house or rather actively looking for another place as she feels that her being sick has got to do with the bad fung shui of her current house (according to the fung shui guy) . She also managed to slip out in the conversation that my place too is really bad for me (thanks to my brother) and that I should also think of moving.

I have been living at my current apartment for the past 5 years and it’s the most convenient place for me at this point of time. We have purchased the property and cant imagine giving it out for rent to total strangers.

What am I saying here? What I am trying to say it how does it work? Fung Shui changes every year and so what; people are suppose to adjust their housing arrangements every year. How does Fung Shui determine how your life is going to turn out. I cant let it rule my life. I believe in God and fate and feel that some things are fated, others we can control through our action or inaction.

At the same time I can’t help thinking what if it’s true? What if that’s the reason for certain things turning out the way there are?

Sharing the love between the two

2006-04-03T10:22:00.000+08:00

With Alysha, I spent every single of my free moment. Now with Inarah, my time is divided between the two. It can be very difficult to manage as I dont want Alysha to feel that she is being neglected in anyway because of a new baby. I keep reassuring her again and again that she will always be my very special baby. I must say its getting better and better. She loves her little sister. Loves cuddling her, kissing her, making her laugh and understands most of the time when mommy needs to be with Inarah to feed her or bath her. I hope it remains this way and gets better over time. Sometimes she is even possessive over Inarah, refusing to let papa, nani or kakak play with her. Seeja thinks maybe she does not like them playing with her and its her way of making sure thats she does not get the attention from them. Ummm, Could be!

But I feel sad for Inarah sometimes. I feel she does not get enough of me. As Alysha needs me still most of the time, I leave Inarah to be looked after by papa or the maid. It makes me very sad when I think about it. I feel that maybe she will not be as close to me as Alysha is and that makes me very sad and depressed sometime. But really I am doing the best I can. I hope she understands.

And thats the reason I feel very strongly about breastfeeding. More than anything else it build a very strong bond between the mother and child. Its even more important if the mom is working as I am. I breastfed Alysha till she was 2 and I hope I can do the same for Inarah.

I remember taking lost and lots of pictures of Alysha and did not want Inarah to be shortchanged. So took lots of pictures of her over the weekend. Here are some :

It's surely worth the effort

2006-04-03T09:20:00.000+08:00

Had a fun filled weekend. Although I was having a mini argument with hubby I decided not to let it spoil my weekend. Went with Sri and Gitanjali to Trisha & Sasha for storytelling on Saturday. We went quite late so missed half of the first story and Alysha was a little too young for the second story. It didn't deter her from having fun though. She had her hand painted with beautiful butterflies and had a butterfly balloon.

After lunch it was nap time and then off to religious class. I decided that I didn't want to have too many outings with Alysha anymore over the weekends 'coz I feel really bad that I have to leave Inarah behind . So I decided to buy some art and craft stuff to do at home.

On Sunday, Sri couldnt make it to dance class so I decided not to take Alysha (also had no car). But we had soooooo much fun doing craft. And Inarah was such a good baby as she slept all though all this giving her sister the quality time she needed with me. Got some craft ideas from http://www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/ thanks to Jenn.

I realise it just does not matter how much they can or cannot contribute. Her contribution was her hand prints which became the butterfly's wings and the duck's feathers. She also did some pasting as she loved the feeling of sticy glue on her fingers. And of course the gliter, that was all her contribution. The final product is gorgeous and she was so proud of it. They are now proudly stuck to the doors in my house.

Bottom line : Then just bumming around at home and watching Barney it so much more fulfilling and fun to do stuff like craft with your kids. It does take some effort but seeing the smile on their face makes you realise that its all worth it.

Enjoy thhe pitcures

I just love the butterfly

My happy baby with her artwork

In her own word "mama I forgot to smile"

Sisters having cuddle time after craft

When life turns upside down

2006-03-28T12:00:00.000+08:00

My baby Inarah was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot where there is a hole between the two ventricles of the heart and the narrowing of one of the pulmonary artery, This causes the blood flow to the lungs to be reduced and the blood with less oxygen to circulate in her body. Babies with this are also known as the Blue babies as they turn blue when they cry due to the lack of oxygen in their bodies.

It’s been 2 months or so since she was diagnosed and finally after a month or so we have all come into terms with it.

Let me start from the beginning:

I took her by chance to her pediatrician at Pantai for jaundice as she was looking a little yellow. He checked her and said he is worried as he could hear a murmur in her heart. He asked me to check with the pediatrician at UMMC who attended to her at birth as he would be the best person to make a diagnosis and see if there is a hole in the heart. I was listening to him but probably not really digesting what he was saying coz I didn’t even blink when he said “hole in the heart” I was just very calm. We were scheduled to see the pediatrician at UMMC the next week.

At UMMC, the pead checked her and detected the murmur, he made her cry and she turned blue in her lips and tongue. We did an x-ray and from it he said everything looked okay and the heart does not look enlarged. He said we need to do an echocardiogram to confirm. He scheduled the echocardiogram in 2 weeks. I was going through this whole process like a zombie. My heart and mind refusing to belief what was happening.

There was no way in which I could have waited 2 weeks in that condition and so scheduled an appointment at Gleneagles for the ultrasound in a few days. The next day, at night she was suddenly limp, almost lifeless, she refused to wake up even when I shook her. We rushed her to UH emergency and after getting her checked they wanted to admit her overnight for observation. I just could not stop crying then, seeing her being hooked up to all kinds of machines, to test the oxygen level in her body, to take her BP, an IV line in case there was an emergency and to take her blood sample to check for infections. I suppose I just was not strong enough as I kept leaving the room when they were putting the IV line and to see my tiny little baby being put through all that was just too much to bear.

That night at the hospital I just kept looking at her all night to see if she was breathing and praying to God to let everything be okay. The next morning the pead cardiologist came by and said she can be discharged as she is stable but she needs to do an ultrasound in a few weeks time. She said she suspects that it is more than just a hole in her heart.

I was just screaming in my heart as I just couldn’t understand why they just could not do the ultrasound there and then to confirm what was happening, why all this suspense. Just tell me once and for all what is the problem so that at least I can start to deal with it.

They are a government hospital after all and according to the pead cardiologist, her condition is not critical enough to warrant an ultrasound urgently. So if you are not hard core poor and your child is not dying you just have to wait in anxiety and have sleepless nights worrying until your child can be diagnosed?

I just couldn't wait and through a friend managed to get an appointment at IJN that very same day. At IJN as the pead cardiologist was doing the ultrasound, I was just praying for a miracle that she was okay and normal. again like a zombie I sat there while the pead cardiologist diagnosed her as having TOF.

She needs an open heart surgery probably when she is a year old or 8-10kgs. Until then it is very important that she is kept well, healthy and does not have any infections or blue spells. Babies with such a condition do not deal with infections well as they are already weak to begin with. If she does get any blue spells or her condition deteriorates she would need a temporary surgery where a valve will be inserted near the heart to help with the blood flow.

For a long time, I was just thinking about what I did or didn’t do during the pregnancy that might have caused this to happen, was it the wine I had in the first 3 weeks when I didn’t know that I was pregnant? Was it the times that I forgot to take my folic acid ? Why didn’t the detail scan that I did in the 5th month show such a defect when it is supposed to?

After waking around like a zombie for days and all the crying, denial and resentment I think I have finally come into terms with the situation. God has chosen to give me a child with this condition and so I know he will give me enough courage, patients and strength to deal with this.

Since then, I have actually seen 3 pead cardiologists, one in UH, one at IJN and the one at Gleanegles. The difference between them is that the cardio surgeon at Gleanegles has done many of such surgeries as soon as the child turns one or is 8-10 kgs or even earlier if there is a need, i.e. in case of an emergency, Whereas at IJN, they have a waiting list and if the child’s condition does not deteriorate they prefer to wait as long as possible, till 2, 3 or even 4 years.
After consulting all 3, I would prefer to go back to the pead cardiologist at Gleneagles.

Doctors at IJN can be difficult to contact. Once when she showed sign of limpness again, we took her immediately to IJN as it was day time and consultations clinics were open but the pead cardiologist was not available and they got a MO to check her. Whereas the guy at Gleneagles gave us his hand phone number to call at any time if in doubt about anything.

However, in case of an emergency we have been asked by to go to the nearest hospital which is either Pantai or UH. Unfortunately, there is also an issue of cost that we have to consider. I have to start looking at sources of funds that I will need for a year until the surgery and for the surgery and post surgery cost.

My concern in the meantime was on how to care for her. I have been told of the blue spells that she might have and signs that I have to look out for. Infact I have seen them when she used to cry when I used to give her bath in her first few days of her life when we were not yet aware of her condition.

Now, we don’t let her cry at all. We pick her up immediately as soon as she cries. And it does ot help that she has colic and starts to cry almost every night. They all predict that the blue spells will become more apparent and often when she turns 3 -4 months as she will be more active and will use her heart more then.

How I wish I can be around to look after her all the time but I have to work. My mom and my maid is all I have to rely on to care for her and I am glad to say that they have been doing a great job so far.

What makes it easier to deal with this is that she seems so normal. It’s easy to forget that she has this condition. She is otherwise a healthy happy child who just now has started to coo and smile (she will be turning 3 months soon) She has not had any blue spells since, alhmdullillah and I pray to God that that she remains well till her surgery and after.

I have spoken to a few who have had their child undergo open heart surgeries and they have been very helpful. I have been fortunate as I have my friends and family who are providing me with the support I need to see me through this. Special thanks to Lillian and all fellow mommies at MMB for being there and providing comfort.

I just hope God will continue to be with all of us and give us the strength to see this through.
Times like this you need someone or something to hold on to and I realise that HE is always there for me, always.

The birth of Inarah

2006-03-28T10:18:00.000+08:00

This is long overdue so here it goes.

On the 6th of Jan, my labor pains were more frequent and painful. I had a show in the early hours of the morning. The show started getting more and more by afternoon and panicking I thought I should run to the hospital. Couldn’t get through my hubby or my mom on the phone and panicked again and again. What if I was really going to deliver in the next hour or so ?

Decided to call my gynae who said I should just stay at home and time my contractions until they are 20 minutes apart. If nothing happens I should come in tomorrow morning and shall be induced. And I thought "Not again". I was induced with Alysha and had to take an epidural as I was in labour for 22 hours. I was hoping for a normal delivery this time, i.e. without the epidural.

Sure enough, nothing happened and in the morning hubby and me arrived at UMMC at 8am. I was checked and told that I was already 4cm dilated and the induction should get it going really fast. My gynae assured me it should be more than 6 hours. Keeping my fingers crossed I agreed.

First 2 -3 hours was bearable. Then I asked for the pethadine as the pain was getting more and more intense. I don’t think the pethadine did anything at all coz even with the pethadine and the laughing gas I was holding on/puling the bed railings at every contraction and trying very hard not to scream. Hubby and Sri was there but after a while either due to the laughing gas or the pain I was almost unaware of who was around and what was happening.

I felt like pushing down and when checked I was not 10cm dilated. Gynae said it was okay as sometimes one can dilate really fast when pushing. So I was put on stirrups trying to push at every contraction. Due to my short term memory (thank God) I can’t really remember how painful it must have been. But I remember looking at my gynae and just shaking my head and saying “No, I cant do this, no, no, no”.

When I was not doing a good job pushing, that guy (he is actually the sweetest gynae I know) had the cheek to tell me that I have forgotten to push from the first time. I wanted to scream out that I was on epidural and was forcep assisted the last time but I remember telling him exactly that in a very calm composed manner.

Anyway, after at least 45 minutes of everyone yelling “push push push, you can do it, yada yada yada” (I bet they would have felt differently if they were in my shoes). baby came out to my relief with the last very very very painful push.

They put her on my chest immediately and I remember thinking, Alysha, she is just like Alysha.

It was an amazing birth experience and although I would recommend that all women try natural birth once in their lifetime, I am sure glad its over.

After she was checked and cleaned, I had her in my arms and started breastfeeding her and let me tell you there is nothing like having your newborn in your arms. Nothing compares to it, nothing at all.

I thank God for seeing me through that and blessing me with this sweetest and most beautiful child and thank you all who helped me see this through. Thats to my darling hubby and wonderful friend Sri and of course not forgetting my wonderful gynae.

My darling daughter Inarah

2006-02-19T11:43:00.000+08:00

I gave birth to an adorable little girl on the 7th of January 2006, weighing 3.3kg. It was an amazing birth experience of which I will write more soon. After lots of name searcing we have decided to call her Inarah which means light in the darkness.

Lots of things have happened in my life since but I am afraid I do not have the time now to write about it. being in confinement with a 3 year old and a baby is surely a challange. Will post an update as soon.

I am in labour......

2006-01-05T15:24:00.000+08:00

Well, pre-labour or latent labour as they call it, i.e I am 3 cm dilated, it takes 10 get the delivery process started. Is that too much information for some of you? Anyway, I am sitting her in my office feeling more and more contractions and have no idea whether this is IT or shall I just remain calm as its not really painful. But dilation can take the longest time. With Alysha I was 3cm for almost a week and then had to be induced. But this feels different.

How are we supposed to know these things? I wish my water bag burst or something happens to indicate that I am already in labor coz I am just going to sit here and wait for it to get worse and hope that ts not too late by the time I decide to make it to the hospital.

Will try and have some sex tonight if nothing happens by then as its suppose to speed up the labor process. Lets see...

Wish me luck !

I am still here...

2006-01-03T14:59:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year everyone!

I am still around. Yes, havent delivered yet but hoping its anytime soon co'z its getting really uncomfortable and a little painful as well. Dont think I can wait till the 18th. Yes, thats my due date. Seems like a long long way to go.

Today was 1st day of school for us as for many others. Alysha's first day in Junior 1 with a new teacher. My daughter got very attached to the teacher, Ms. Anna in her nursery class last year so I was just so afraid that it is going to be very difficult transition into this new class.

We slept early last night so waking up was not a problem but as soon as I tried putting on her uniform (red shirt and white shorts for junior 1) she tried a small whinning session realising something was going to be different from last year. But we got her all distracted and managed to get out of the house by 8.30. All we spoke about was how she was going to see her friends again after a long break. Very careful not to mention old teacher, new teacher, gianjali etc.

She was very ok even after we entered the class. I started making playdough karipap with her and Reshmi when I realised she might be starting to cry. But there were some kids crying and parents hovering around and I think she didnt feel right and started crying as well. I quickly took her to 2 new kids and she started talking to them and cooking with them. I quickly said bye and left. All in, I stayed for 15 min, much shorter than I expected.

When I picked her up, she was tearing a little but Ms. Lily (her teacher) said she started tearing as soon as she saw me. As soon as she got in the car she became her chatty self and didnt show any sign of trauma :)

She very calmly talked to me about how she is in a new class now with a new teacher coz she is a big girl and Ms. Anna's class is where the small children are, including gitanjali. I was really surprised at the way she was reacting to all this. Her only complaint was that Ms. Lily did not give her any Peter and Jane book. (she loves the peter and jane series and knowing my Alysha, the thought of a new peter and jane book was probabbly something that was keeping her excited in the class all morning) I am so glad that I started her in nursery last year for a month to get climatised. This would have been much more difficult otherwise and with me ready to pop, very very stressful.

Tomorrow is another day and I think its going to be ok. I can go into the delivery room soon without worrying about my daughter adjusting to a new teacher and a new class. Hear that, hello ? I am ready...anytime you are ....

Our first Christmas tree

2005-12-23T11:01:00.000+08:00

My first Christmas tree ever, thanks to my daughter.

" Mama, can we celebrate Christmas ?" has been a question that she asks almost everyday. And when I say, "yes of course we can." The next question is "Then where is our Christmas tree?"

She has been asking for one since she has seen it all over town and in some houses. So obviously I had to go get one. Its a really nice one from BSC. Its a few inches taller than her and opens up really well. I got it 3 days ago but just had not gone about putting it up coz have been home late and tired every night since. Yesterday, on the way home we got some nice decorations for the tree from Sri Kota for a very reasonable price. These things can be very pricy in places like BSC.

So the first thing we did when we go home was to put up the tree. I think I was more excited than her when it was up, all done and looking amazingly gorgeous.

The sad thing is I dont have a camera for now and so have no pictures of it to share. You actually have to visit me to see it. :)

My daughter ran to the hall first thing in the morning to try and switch on the lights to see what her Christmas tree looked like in the morning. The only problem is now to keep her away from it. She keeps wanting to take out and play with the decorations.

Anyway, feel so christmasee. Its a wonderful feeling.

Merry Christmas everyone !

Its getting closer and closer

2005-12-13T10:57:00.000+08:00

Its getting closer to the day and I am getting more and more anxious. Well, its at least another 5 weeks away but I delivered Alysha at 37 weeks and if history repeats itself then its just 2 weeks away. I just hope this onw will wait till 40 weeks or so.

I have so many more things left undone. Bag to pack for hospital, furniture in room to reorganize, some more storing to do so that there is more space, have to get my breast pump serviced, have to buy a gift from baby for Alysha and Alysha for the baby, have to get my eyebrows treaded (dont want to look ugly when am getting visitors after baby arrives).

Maybe I am more anxious this time as I am hoping to have normal labor pains, i.e not to be induced as the last time. So if I get contractions without being induced, I really have no idea what it is going to be like.

As the date gets closer and closer, I am just so afraid of things going wrong. Fear of everything really. I know HE is there and I trust in HIM and I believe HE will see me through this but sometimes fear just takes over......Like this morning when I couldnt feel the baby moving as usual.

I think the last few weeks are worse when its your second pregnancy coz during your first you dont know what to expect and just take it a day at a time.

Will just try not to think about it and keep myself occupied as much as I can.

Alysha's 3rd Birthday party

2005-12-07T11:22:00.000+08:00

Had the most tiring but wonderful weekend. Alysha's birthday party was a hit. Food was good, cake was amazing, Alysh's dress was gorgeous, Melwin the baloonist was great with the kids and kids had a great time with the sand art and face painting. The important thing was that kids and the birthday girl had a ball.

Hubby had been a darling helping out and running around days before the party. My maid helped with packing all the party packs, making jelly till late at night. My mom has been just wonderful helping out with everything else despite her swollen leg. My cousins came by early to help with the party decorations and music arrangements. So the success of the party was due to the help of everyone who chipped in. My brother was the official camera man at the party, clicking away (although he is quite bad it, I must say)

Alysha had a great time unwrapping presents the day after. I told her that we cant open all the gifts at the same time and she happily said ok when she got to choose the first gift to play with (which was a baby doll set with a change of clothes and the works). She absolutely loves it and the kind of role play she gets involved in (she as the mama of the baby) is really amusing. Nest she opened a kitchen set (the most comprehensive one I have seen) . Before opening the gift I tell her who bought it for her and the nice thing is she remembers it. Every time someone asks her about the gift she will mention the person who bought it.

And every night during bed time she will tell me who did come for her party and who didn't (some of her friends from school including her teacher did not turn up). And she would thank me for the cake which she just loved. Am posting pictures of it next.

And so, despite the cost (dont ask, you wouldn't believe it) and the fact that I am currently 34 weeks pregnant, I am so glad I had this party for her and even more glad that I had it now (when she turned 3 and just before the baby arrives).

I think it will be a memory she will cherish for a while. Enjoy the pictures.

Birthday girl getting her hand painted

The end product !

Alysha with Inaya

Below : Face painting

Alysha loves sand art

Melvin the Baloonist

Below : manju's daughter Shaveena. She is truely going to grow up to be a beautiful lady

Blowing candles

Yummy ! She just helped herself to it

Alysha with nana and nani (my parents)

After she scraped as much icing as she could from the cake

Alysha and Gitanjali

At least she let me put on the tiara when she cut the cake. She wanted it off immediately after

Can't see all of it from here but we had :

Roti jala, chicken curry, mee siam with amazing sambal, nuggets, sausages, sandwiches, satay, jelly and fruits.

Getting a little too tired of smiling for the camera

My tired "manja" baby

A group picture

My princess and me

Alysha, papa and Apachi (Suben's mom)

Her first cousins

Alysha, Hema and Gitanjali

Sri and me with our adorable darlings

A family shot when everyone was pooped!

Back again......quick update!

2005-11-10T17:20:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone,

I know, I know its high time that I updated this blog but with me getting heavier and heavier and sleeping lesser and lesser at night, it is difficult to work up the energy to do anything now a days.

My last post was on Alysha’s pre school. Well, she has been going to pre school regularly but not the one I mentioned below. I love the school she goes to now and am so glad I decided to send her here but that is another story altogether for another day.

At this point of time. I am just waiting and looking forward to my baby which is due in January. I know the sex but am not telling, yet.

The festivities just ended and it was one of the best Deepavali and Hari Raya I have had in years. Its probably because Alysha is older and is able to enjoy it more with me. Tiring but really nice. Ate my heart out and did lots of visiting. Alysha enjoyed it so much ( all that cookies, cakes, duit raya and mama and papa all to herself) and was quite sad that mama had to go back to work after a long long holiday.

I must mention that the holidays as well as other things have done wonderful things to her relationship with her papa. She now completely adores him. He will always be second to mama, of course, but I can sense that she is so much more closer to him. It’s also because he sends her and picks her up from school everyday. I must say though that he is making so much more of an effort now. Less TV time and more play time with her. I suppose he has realized that it is truly rewarding when she hugs him so tight and refuses to let him go and goes “papa papa papa” more often now.

I am currently making preparations to celebrate Alysha’s 3rd birthday party. We have never had a real party since she was born and so this is something I am realy looking forward to. Hope it turns out as memorable for her as I would like it to be.

Every night before we go to bed, me and Alysha have formed the habbit of saying a little prayer and thank God for yet another beautiful day and little blessings. Actually she refuses to say little blessings and says soooooo much blessinsg. Her reason being, after she counts all the things we have been blessed with on that day, its really a lot. I started doing this a month ago more for her so that she realizes how lucky we are and its to HIM that we owe everything. It has in turn made me realize how lucky I am for my wonderful family and friends and everything else that I have been blessed with. And so life’s has been been wonderful since and I am enjoying every bit of it.

That’s a lot for now. I promise to keep updating this blog so do visit me from time to time. Will post some Raya pictures soon too.

The end of the pre school search

2005-09-06T15:36:00.000+08:00

Finally, I have decided where to enroll her and am actually doing it tomorrow.

If one recalls the some time ago search for pre schools one would also remember my decision not to go for it yet. But now its time. Baby is due in January and giving my mom and the maid a break in the morning, where they have the baby to care for is only fair I feel. When Alysha is back by 1pm, she will need her lunch, nap and can have playtime with everyone at home after she is up. This arrangement sounds ideal to me. I spoke to my mom about it and she agrees wholeheartedly. I cant be so selfish and expect them to run around both the kids at the same throughout the day while I am at work.

Also, Aysha is so much more ready now. Its amazing what 6 months can do. She was so much less clingi when I took her for the trial and she enjoyed it a lot more as well.

I will be sending her to Taska Jaunty Montessori in Bangsar. I personally prefer their other branch in Damansara due to the larger space but this is so much more convenient for all of us in terms of logistics.

Of course everyone wants the best for thier kids and this may not be considered the best if one compares it to the likes of the Children's House in Bukit Damansara but the fee is what we can afford and I like the teachers in her class. The teacher in the Damansara branch looks like someone who is more highly educated with a better command of language. But really after much thought thats not the criteria I am looking for in the teacher, not for a 3 year old, at least.

Many take the view that pre schools are the foundation for your children and so make sure its the best one you can provide. And maybe thats the reason that I have been doing the scouting around for such a long time. Of course I can go for Child Playworks, Sunbeam and even Children House if I really wanted to but really will that really make a difference to the kind of person she is going to grow up to be. She will learn more?, faster? maybe but is that really that important?

After all that scouting, I realised that most places ar really not that different. All kids will eventually learn to read and write, some earlier than the other. I am in no hurry to rush her given that she is already quite advance for her age.

What is important to me at this point of time is really teachers that are compasionate and who allow her to do things at her own pace. I want her to play, be able to interact with other kids, learn to share, learn empathy, some social skills.

The foundation will always be her home/her granny's home and of course I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot hand over the responsibility to teach, play, guide my child to the teachers at the school. If she does learn and gets guidance from them all the better but I will still be her primary teacher/guide.

But for a kid, its always fun to play with other kids and do things together. They learn better that way sometimes. And for now thats a good reason for me to send her to a pre school.

So I am all set to register her tomorrow and then there is the first few days where she will surely want me/hubby to be around. Lets see how it goes.

I can bake

2005-09-02T15:09:00.000+08:00

I have been having so much fun for the past few days baking in my bread maker. Yes! I have a bread maker that hubby redeemed from Citibank points. I finally visited Swansan, an a amazing place selling bread making supplies located in some dingi area (Jln Haji Taib something). I would not dare go there after 6pm.

Anyway, back home while hubby was away I baked a delicious, healthy multi grain bread for hubby and not so healthy banana bread for alysha. The banana bread was out of this world. I did some research on the net (what would one do without the net) and discovered that sour cream is an essential ingredient in banana bread/cake. So added sour cream in the mixture although this particular receipe didn't call for it and wallah! amazing banana bread/cake.

Both father and daughter love breads and I always wanted to try baking bread. BUt just couldnt imagine the hassle I had to go through in a normal oven. But baking is just so easy with the breadmaker. I can now actually bake breads. Just dunp everything in and wait for 2-3 hours and the whole kitchen smells of yummy bread. Imagine fresh, healthy, warm breads from the oven (bread maker, in my case) for breakfast for your family. Yummm!

Going to try lots more receipes. I am so excited about it. Can call myself a proper mom and wife now with the help of the break maker. Serving fresh healthy bread to my loved ones. hehehe :)

Bali pictures .......some more

2005-08-30T15:30:00.000+08:00

My cheeky baby and me

Papa and daughter in hotel room still asleep with eyes open, or does one have his eyes closed ?

I think she was trying to pray at the spring water temple

Hail.......?????

She loved the Lion at the lobby of the Hotel

Bali pictures

2005-08-30T14:39:00.000+08:00

Me and my darling by the beach

Obviously more interested in the water gun than taking a picture

The joy of having sand (especially when its wet) in a child hand

The unforgettable horse ride

She loved dancing by the beach

She is having so much fun, isnt she ?

This is my personal favorite

Cant live with them, cant live without them

2005-08-29T15:19:00.000+08:00

Been having a fight with hubby for the past 3 days or has it been 6? aaarrrggghhh! just so geram. Dont want to talk about it, will get all uptight again. Actually we are having a silent fight. Thats the worse one, I think. I personally feel its better to let it all out and be done with it but I am not the confrontational type and hate scenes so usually go very quiet when I am upset.

I am sure we will make up soon. Anyway, the point was that he is away for 3 days to Janda Baik for training and I should be relieved as I can take a break from teh fighting BUT I miss him already. Wish he would call or at least send a SMS. Wonder whether he is missing me too????

Its being a long long time

2005-08-25T09:59:00.000+08:00

I know, its been really long. 2 months and 1 week to be exact. Nop, I have not been sick that long just tired, lazy and just lost the urge to blog.

Once I recovered from the morning sickness, I actually went to Bali for a trip with hubby and alysha for my brother in law's wedding. Oh, such a tiring trip. But great fun for alysha and that was what I was looking forward to.

Not been sleeping well for the past 2 days as Alysha has got a virus infection followed by her bout of asthma. So we have been up all night for the past 2 days. She caughing away and me trying to make her feel better. I think she is getting better as last night we both slept from 3 till 8 uninterupted.

Thats the update for now. Will write soon.

Havent written since we can now post pic on blogspot. So there you go. Some of my old favorites

Feeling awful today

2005-06-17T10:29:00.000+08:00

I am feeling really sick today. Dizzy, nauseated and absolutely no energy. Threw up in the morning, only there was nothing in the tummy to come out and thats even worse.

Sitting here at work staring at my laptop. Wanna just lie down. Think I am ging to do just that.

Have a good weekend.

Today is a good day......relatively

2005-06-09T16:54:00.000+08:00

Today is relatively a good day. Although the morning was a little difficult coz Alysha refused to brush her teeth or have a shower and then I had to walk and walk and walk, what seemed like forever to the main road to catch a cab to town.

Have not had the feeling of really throwing up since morning. Maybe I have been eating the right things. Shall not say anymore about it for fear that I will throw up right after I say such things.

Am feeling ugly though. Have no make up on ....not even powder...am wearing one of Sri's hand me down baju kurungs (not that the baju kurung is ugly). And of all days, today this guy, this new consultant from Singapore is here and had a discussion with us about something where I had to do a lot of talking, which means that he had to look at me a lot....when I am actually looking ugly.

I now pregnant women dont really care about such things but this guy is quite good looking, attaractive. So how? Too badlah, all done and over with .....probably thinking this company got no standards hiring consultants who dont even know how to look presentable. Of course I wanted to scream like "oi, i am pregnantlah" but instead very professionallly smiled and ended the discussion and am at my table writing about it now.

Lets see what else, screamed at my good friend, my ex actually for not showing any compassion and going on and on about how I dont call him anymore. I am like, heloooo didnt I say I am pregnant and feeling sick all the time. I expect him to call and ask how am I feeling instead of expecting me to call when even breathing seems so difficult sometimes. Anyway told him "all men are b****" and left it at that. Was really pissed off. No offence to other men who are actually quite compasionate and show empathy in such crcumstances

and tomorrow is friday....yay ...but i can sense the weekend to be more and more tiring than weekdays.....have to think of some ways to keep my little one entertained

I am back with feeling of "loyaness"

2005-06-06T11:22:00.000+08:00

I know I have been away for a long time. Just couldnt help it. Yes, have to confirm here that I AM PREGNANT and that is exactly the reason I have been away. The "loyaness" feeling is unbearable. Didnt know such a word existed actually until hubby mentioned it the other day. Was so impressed with his knowledge of the national language. Really cant remember feeling this way during my first pregnancy but of course that would not be surprising considering the way my brain works or rather doesn't work to retain things.

I feel like throwing up all the time, before I eat, after I eat, while eating, as soon as I am awake and just before bed. Only thing is I dont throw up, its just the feeling thats there all the time. Take note of remedy for nausea in pregnancy books :

Eat crakers - does not work, does not work, DOES NOT WORK
Eat small meals - I can only take 5-6 spoon fulls anyway before I feel like throwing up on the meal in front of me.
Dont drink water while eating - how the hell then do I get the food to get down and not stay at my throat.
Dont wear clothings that are tight at the waist - this is equivalent to saying dont wear clothes. coz I havent shopped for bigger pants yet and cant possibly wear my maternity clothes aready, can I?

So in between all the loya ness and feeling bloated and ugly, I will try and write as much as I can.

Till then.

I have been spared

2005-05-25T10:42:00.000+08:00

Hubby finally has taken the cue and spared me from sitting through Star Wars. I am sooooo happy. He has found a friend to take to the show.

He realised I was not feeling very well and decided I should rest :)
I tried not to jump with joy for the fear that he might realise I had no intention at all form the start of enjoying the show. I only agreed to go coz I love him......now you know how much....

Yipee!!!!

A busy and fun weekend

2005-05-24T12:38:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how much I managed to do over the long weekend. Lets see, I did take Alysha to Trisha & Sasha. We went with Sri amd gitanjali and had lots of fun. She did craft after the story telling. Although it was meant for older kids, she insisted she wanted to do it. So mama had to sit there and make a tortise, which turned out pretty good actually.

Went to visit a cousin in the hospital in the evening but he was already discharged. So went to visit hubby's aunt and Alysha had lots of fun playing in the swing in the house.

Yes, I did go to "Caravan". The hindi pub. The music was great and all my cousins turned up. I danced a lot, really had lots of fun.

My brother was there too, not very sober though. He was mourning the defeat of MU. Suddenly, he started hugging me and was close to tears saying that he loves me more than anything else in this world. He was actually really crying. I was so touched. You see, we are not really connected as siblings and we rarely express our feelings about how we feel for each other. He probably needed the alcohol to express his love for me. I was touched, anyway.

Then, out of the blue, I decided to have the whole gang over at place for tea the next day. Initially, there were 6, then 9, then when they turned up, 2 aunties came along so, it was a huge tea party. We had good food though, very nice mee hoon, "vade" ( my mom's never to fail receipe) some jelly, some nyonya kuih and very nice tea. Everyone just loved the food, specially the mee hoon. Thanks God, there was enough for everyone and thanks to my maid I didnt faint cooking. Alysha had the most fun coz they all adore her and she had a great time playing wth them

The evening ended really well and after putting Alysha to sleep, me and hubby cuddled up to the movie "Paycheck". Really good. I would recomend it to anyone who hasnt seen it. Ben Aflect and Uma Thurman. I like both of them.

Monday, spend some time gardening with Alysha or rather just pouring soil all over the balcony (which was ok, really coz it was due for a good scrub). Alysha had fun playing with Gitanjali and it looks like the 2 are getting more and more used to each other. Cant really remember more than...maybe 2 instances that I had to pull Gitanjali away from her. They actually played together. Me and Sri are also spending some some time together which is really nice. Sri bought lunch. After stuffing our faces, Sri and me went to Jaya Supermarket when the kids took a nap. I went to Payless Bookstore and Popular. Couldnt find the book I was looking for but bought some nice elmo and piglet books for Alysha which she loved. Sri, shopped at the Metro Sale for some nice clothes she could wear in court, a handbag you would use with jeans and a pair of very nice sandles that she could bare walk in ??? dont ask..... At night, me and Alysha did some painting in the balcony and we all had a good early night.

Great weekend, aint it? But you can imagine how tired I am, didnt get to nap at all.

The mandatory Star Wars post

2005-05-20T14:07:00.000+08:00

Ok, since everyone is doing it, I thought I'd join the bandwagon as well. Sorry Lil. I was soooo sleepy after lunch but Belacan's post which led me to Simon's post just got me so amused , I am not sleepy anymore. I personally cant understand the facination about Star wars. But hubby is a fan so am watching it on Wed. Hopefully, my little one does not turn out to be a fan otherwise I will be feeling so left out in the Star Wars conversations, not that I mind it, though!

But, rest I will be surely thinking about so many other ways to use the force during the show. LOL

Saturday Night Out

2005-05-20T13:23:00.000+08:00

Oh! oh! forgot to mention among all the things that I will be doing over the weekend......I know what you are thinking, its never going to happen, right? Anyway, as I was saying, among all the things that I will be going this weekend , there is also a saturday night out planned with Rehana, Shirin, Farah, Hubby and dont know who else.

We are going to this new hindi pub called "Caravan" in Melia Hotel. Not at all like the other hindi pub (Planet Bombay) where the drunked's try to strip you naked with their eyes, even if you have an ass as big as mine or maybe pricesely thats why. Anyway, this new place is real classy where decent people dress up and the music is great and no drunked's striping you with their eyes. I am imagining a hip pub in Bombay. Lets see if its up to my expectation.

The girls are going to be booking a room and staying over night. They offered but hey, I am a mama now. Cant leave my daughter alone at home and sleep in a hotel room with the girls. Its already a big thing that I am going out.

Going to go around 11 after Alysha sleeps. Will keep you posted.

Busy, busy, busy

2005-05-20T13:10:00.000+08:00

Have lots of work and am going to be busy till sometime next week so not going to have time to blog. Just looking forward to the long weekend but suspect have to do some work over the weekend. Just hate that!

Have plans to visit popular bookstore in Jaya Supermarket to buy some books over the weekend, take alysha to trisha & sasha, the park, petaling street with Sri (she wants to buy hand bags and I want piglet, tigger and BJ for Alysha and probably a hair cut. How? So mcuh to do, so little time.

I am a blankie/soothie

2005-05-18T10:55:00.000+08:00

Whatever you call it, This is from MG's blog, which has made me realise that I am actually a comfort toy to my daughter. Alysha can't slep without pulling my hair to sooth her to sleep. Well, when my mom, maid or hubby put her to sleep, she pulls theirs. SHE JUST NEEDS TO PULL HAIR TO SLEEP. Its terrible. its my doing of course, when she was younger and she used to feed from my breast she used to lovingly tug onto my hair. I found it sweet and it was like a bonding thing. But now that there is no more McB's, the hair is the only thing that puts her to sleep.

It can get so painful for me sometimes and I just pull away when it does, then she pleads saying she will not pull but just hold it and roll in between her fingers. Can you imagine that? Even if I try not to give in, before I know it eventually either when I am already asleep or almost falling asleep she is right there again, at my hair, tugging and pulling.

I have tried everything as a replacement, her fav soft toy, blankie, bolster but notthing works. Now I am wondering what am I to do? How do I stop this? Will she ever outgrow this ? Cant imagine a 7 year old kid having to pull her mama's hair to sleep. Oh God!