What did I just do?

Oh God, what did I just do? Save me my Lord, save me from myself. Give me patience and courage to deal with situations like this.

I just yelled at my daughter. I have been so stressed today and really tired. I have this stabbing pain in my back which runs down my left leg. I tried not to carry her just now, getting Suben to do it but she wailed till I just had to finally carry her.

We got back really late from my mom’s which is entirely my fault apparently, notwithstanding that it was the maid that I had to wait for to clean up 'coz my mom has no maid and my sister is not around. Then getting Suben to get off his butt is another thing altogether.

We got home and I just needed to remove my lenses and have a shower. I got the maid to play with her while I was having a shower. Suben of course just plunked himself on the easy chair and that’s the end. When I was done, my maid came out and said she needed to go take a shower so I called Alysha towards me. She just refused to come to me. She started wailing for the maid to play with her. The maid after stressing that its bed time and said she can’t play started attending to things. Alysha just continuously bawled till she coughed and coughed.

I tried again but she kept saying “I don’t want you. I want to play with kakak. Kakak carry me” My heart broke to a million pieces. This is my daughter who I spend every single moment of my free time with. I carried her for 9 months, nurtured her, breastfed her till she was 2 and she just wanted me to go away coz she wanted her kakak. Her ever loyal friend who is always there for her. Not like her mama who has to rush off to work everyday (although with a very heavy heart). And who is of course at times tired and can’t give in to her need to play all the time. Who sometimes prefers her to sleep so that she can rest and can have some time to herself?

I absolutely lost my senses and just grabbed her and took her o the room, yelled at her, slammed the door until she was actually so scared that I could sense her cry was from fear and shock. I started crying then and started kissing her and telling her that I love her and that I was sorry. She settled after a while and we played and she went to bed quickly coz she was exhausted.

Suben’s reaction to the whole thing was “Next time when she is sleepy bring her home early and put her to bed.” And back to watching his TV even when she was bawling away. What was my expectation from him? Nothing anymore after this incident. But during the time when she refused to come to me I expected him to do something, anything to make her and me feel better. But as always once he gets home and into his chair, he shuts out completely. He was actually focused on the TV when she was wailing away. Can you imagine that!

He knows I am upset over the whole thing. He just got off his chair without a word to me and went to bed. What kind of a relationship is this? One from which I can’t expect anything, not even a word of comfort. What kind of a marriage? His response to me now, if anything would be “All you know how to do is cry” Well yes, I cry a lot. That’s the only way in which I let out otherwise I will go mad.

To my baby “Mama is so sorry, mama loves you so much and it hurts, it hurts a lot. And mama is very tired sometimes. Too tired to play or even put you to sleep when u are sleepy. Ya Allah, please help me to deal with this and forgive me for hurting my baby. I am making a promise today to make sure that today is never repeated. Never, ever again.

Oh God! She is 2. What would she know about what I am feeling or anything at all? All she wanted was to play with her kakak. Please forgive me. Please help me Lord. I want to be with my daughter. I want to be there whenever she needs me. I want to be a good mama to my gudiya. Please help me find a way. Please help me! You are all I have to rely upon. Please have mercy and help me for you are my only savior.

PS : I probably edit this blog tomorrow as now I am in no state to think logically. I am just pouring my heart out in tears.