Friday, April 29, 2005

Friends Forever ?

Had to deliberate for a while whether I wanted to post this message below which was written the night it happened. Then decided that my blog is all about what I feel and being honest about it to myself and others (because I havent been good at it thus far in life). So here it goes

This was written on Tuesday, 26 Apr night
As soon as I got home I was thinking of visiting Sri as she is leaving for Bali tomorrow morning. Also was planning to give her the container for Gitanjali to take with her. At the car park, I saw Sri going off with Ajeet in her car. Felt`…ummmm….dunno what I felt. Jealous? Maybe but why, is she not entitled to have other friends? of course she is, Regret maybe? Maybe coz I am so bad at keeping in touch with friends that I lose them as friends eventually. Them ? as in Sri, me and ajeet …., we used to do things together but I just never tried maintaining the friendship. Always told myself I should call Ajeet as she came down recently and brought gifts for alysha and me. But never got around doing it coz am too caught up with life. Its always like that with me, lose out on things coz just don’t know how to balance things in my life.

What did I expect…maybe for them to ask me for dinner as well. But why should they? Maybe they don’t feel connected to me as I don’t feel with them. Maybe I come across as not interested coz I have my daughter and am busy with life but I would like to wouldn’t I, I think I would. But really would I have not taken my daughter swimming and opted to out for dinner with then, really, would I have? But how would I have gotten back in time for dinner? after all I rely on Suben for transport, but is that a reason or merely an excuse?

She won a case and so has gone out to celebrate. Maybe this is what I meant when I said I had lost that connection with her. Maybe she has too otherwise wouldn’t she not call me let me know about it and to celebrate. But like I said, I believe she would have thought that I would be busy with things or just not interested. Maybe……

Dunno, just so depressed over it, Felt abandoned, unloved. I know its ridiculous but dunno why I felt this way. I now I will feel ok and the feeling will go off tomorrow, maybe thats why I am bloging about it today, maybe wont even post this or will, after all my blog is all about being honest with myself. I am happy for her that she has friends and that she is connected to them coz you need friends around to share things with. Maybe I don’t coz I have Joe, I do after all share everything with him. He is like my soul mate. Makes me feel better about things in my life but sometimes one need girl friends. Well, I think I only have myself to blame. After all, she called me as soon as she left the car park to tell me that she won the case…Was I happy for her? Yes of course. I love her dearly and I am happy that she won. Actually I am happy with whatever makes her happy. Did I sound excited, as I should have, No, maybe not. I wonder why?

2 Comments:

At 3:57 PM, Blogger shri said...

oh i am crying. cannot help it. i am sorry. i knew it. the moment i saw your face in the car that night i knew it. that's why i called you. i only found out about case at 4.20pm. then what with running around before leaving for the week (for bali), i didn't have the time to call u. muhendaran had a meeting at the office that day and my parents were going out, so i rushed off to pick up gitanjali, and was wondering what to do for the rest of the night. then ajeet called, as i reached home, and i thought rather than eat maggi mee at home, i'd be better off having dinner with her. so she came and picked me up after work. i rushed and fed gitanjali so she wouldn't be hungry, and so didn't have time to call and tell u about winning my case. figured what with rain and everything u would not even be back. also i don't like intruding on your space during weekdays, b'cos you are with suben and alysha. as it is sometimes during the weekends, i feel like perhaps i should give u some time to yourself. i know u cherish those days with alysha.

i am also rather selfish. when i have u, i don't want to share u with suben.

i promise to try harder. we can have dinner with ajeet together next time ok? i solemnly and sincerely declare that of all my friends, u are the bestest, the only one who is connected directly to my heart, and certainly the only one who can make me cry. all the rest of my friends are seasonal (mehala and kavi (from my office) are always commenting about this) sometimes i am always with padma, sometimes its shakila, sometimes its ajeet, sometimes its someone else. u are the only constant. i love u.

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Shamira said...

Oh God! I am so sorry. Didn't mean for you cry over it. I am really sorry too. I too have not been around for you when you need me or when you just want to spend some time together. I know I havent been the best of friend to you.

I feel like i have lost out on so much. I feel like I need to spend all the time I have with alysha and when I do I am accused of not spending enough time with my husband. So I try and focus back on him. And in juggling between the two and work, I have left everyone and everything else out.

I dont want to lose you. I want us to be friends forever. I love you dearly.

The last things you are is selfish. You have showered love on me and so many others selflessly and for that I thank you. I am sorry that I haven't tried harder to be involved in your life.

I love you.

 

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